Drunk Videos and New Drunk Joke

We have been remiss in posting drunk stories and videos lately, so we are offering a couple of drunk humor videos and a totally new drunk joke. BTW you will really like the drunk joke because it is classic Irish comedy featuring the adventures of Michael Murphy himself.

The first video was taken somewhere in either Russia or one of the former Soviet republics, judging from the language spoken. As you know Russians often excel at inebriation so it is only fitting that we acknowledge their drunken prowess with a video in Mother Russia's honor.

As you see from the photo above our hero is at the beach and is simply attempting to get dressed. His problem lies in mistaking his pants for his shirt, which results in a dramatic challenge for our new friend, Yuri.

Let's see how Yuri handles himself:

Well, so much for how well Yuri handles his vodka. All he needed to remember was one leg at a time. Poor Yuri!

I don't know about you, but I found all of that giggling in the background a bit annoying. That is the problem with YouTube vids, sometimes you have to take what you get.

**********

At least we are not forced to endure endless giggling in our second drunken video. The background in this vid is a song called "Yakkety Sax" and is something we commonly heard on the Benny Hill TV series. Thankfully, the "Yakkety Sax" fits the mood of our video perfectly.

In this video we find ourselves among three intoxicated revelers, two of whom feel a need to mount a statue of a horse. Their inebriated state has clearly diminished their excellence at a vertical jump, but has in no way dampened their enthusiasm.

Let's join our trio during their visit with Mr. Ed:

Mr. Ed was well ahead of our tipsy triumvirate until they broke his legs, which is foul play in anybody's language. Naturally, our liquored up friends quickly skulked away into the night rather than face responsibility for their dastardly deed. What will Wilbur say?

You know what happens to horses with more than one broken leg. We're afraid it is off to the glue factory for poor ole Mr. Ed. That's no way to treat a talking horse now is it?

**********

We promised you a new drunk story, but let us warn you this one is just slightly on the blue side, but only marginally so.

Having warned the faint of heart among us let us re-introduce you to our good Irish friend Michael Murphy who is as boozed up a lad as you'll find either side of the Atlantic. If Michael is not three sheets to the wind by the Noon hour then it must be election day, because why else would the drinking establishments of Dublin be closed?

We join Michael as he arrives for his appointment with Dr. Kevin O'Phelan for his annual checkup. Michael has been worrying about his health lately because he has not been feeling his best, so he is concerned that he may finally be paying the price for his incessant drinking.

Dr. Kevin has required that Michael strip down to his bvd's, and Michael has dutifully complied. As Dr. Kevin begins going about his business with Michael, he suddenly looks up at the lad and says in an authoritative tone, "Michael, I am afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating."

"Oh my Lord, God!" exclaims a shocked Michael. "Why?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you," replies Dr. Kevin.

**********

• Drunkest Drunk Ever Goes On Beer Run - Viral Video
• Alcoholic Monkeys in the Caribbean - Video
• Drunk Driver Launches Her Car Over Toll Booth - Caught on Video
• Rocky, the Drunken Squirrel
• Alcoholic Elephants on the Rampage

Drunk Driver Launches Her Car Over Toll Booth - Caught on Video

Yasmine Villasana, an allegedly drunk driver at the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas, airport, drove her car so fast toward a toll booth that she launched her vehicle over the toll booth when she accidentally hit a ramp in front of the booth. Her 2006 Chev Impala is highlighted in yellow in the above photo.

The accident, which was caught on video, caused her car to fly over another vehicle and burst into flames upon landing. The police report states that, amazingly enough, Yasmine only had a broken wrist, and no one else was injured.

Yasmine's Chev Impala suffered a fatal blow and had to be retired to an auto graveyard. Yasmine's mug shot is to the right.

It is said that the driver was slightly ticked off when the control tower refused to clear her for take off, so she decided to take matters into her own hands. Of course, that is only speculation, but airport authorities did confirm that Yasmine had filed no flight plan.

Any seasoned pilot will tell you that you will never be cleared for take off until you file a flight plan.

Ms. Villasana told police that her vehicle had been rear ended by another vehicle "which caused her vehicle to strike the Toll Booth Protector Barricade, launch into the air, land on the roadway and catch on fire." Ms. Villasana also tried to re-enter her vehicle even though it was still on fire.



For whatever reason the police doubted her story, administered a breathalyzer test and subsequently arrested Ms. Villasana for driving while intoxicated.

• Funny Mischief at the Car Wash - Video
• More Funny Automobile Bloopers and Misadventures - Videos
• Redneck Fire-Breathing Dragon Video
• Funny Automotive Bloopers and Misadventures

Drunkest Drunk Ever Goes On Beer Run - Viral Video

The following video is such an Internet hit that it has gone viral almost instantly, and it is no wonder because it qualifies as some of the best drunk humor available.

This incident occurred only nine days ago at 10:45 AM no less on a Tuesday morning. Our inebriated hero has set forth upon a Lordly quest to sate his quench of thirst. In other words, he is on a beer run.

Such a valiant effort in search of liquid sustenance is restrained by his obvious inability to resist the law of gravity. As you will see in the video, our hero continually succumbs to Sir Isaac Newton's law regardless of his endeavors to thwart it.

As in most such thirst motivated missions, the humor is in the journey itself, rather than our hero's ultimate destination.

Let's watch:



The scary part is that all of the other drunks at the party chose this guy as the one sober enough to go on a beer run. Since we all know that the Internet is forever, just wait until our hero applies for a new job and his prospective employer shows him this video. He will not be a happy camper.

• Alcoholic Monkeys in the Caribbean - Video

• Drunks and Mechanical Bulls - Funny Video

• Rocky, the Drunken Squirrel

• Drunken Redneck Ukrainian Wedding Fight

• Drunk DUI Humor

Alcoholic Monkeys in the Caribbean - Video

A friend of mine alerted me to this story on YouTube, and since he does not have a blog I decided to blog it for him. Imagine you are vacationing at a quiet little Caribbean getaway, lazing along side the pool with nary a care in the world.

Your waitress arrives toting a pina colada, a long island iced tea, or some similar vacation style cocktail featuring those tiny umbrellas with an excessively ample measure of booze.

Suddenly, a small alcoholic vervet monkey appears out of nowhere, and, after absconding with your drink, he disappears even faster than he appeared.

Sound far fetched? Watch and learn:



It seems that alcoholic monkeys are worse than their human counterparts.

**

Baby Chick Fights Off Monitor Lizard - Videos
Worst Laugh and Smartest Monkey on Earth - Videos
Slip N Slide, You're Fired, Bull in Irish Shop - Videos
Why You Should Let Sleeping Dogs Lie - Video
Otter Heaven - Cuteness Personified

Drunks and Mechanical Bulls - Funny Video

Drunk humor can be some of the best humor, with this vid being no exception. Many of you may feel that mechanical bulls are old news, and you would be right for the most part.

However, this video is one of the exceptions. In this vid we have a young lady who appears sober enough, but looks can be deceiving. I can tell you that I have watched it several times, and I continue to laugh out loud each time I view it.

In my mind, that is the sign of a truly funny video. Have a look:




Rocky, the Drunken Squirrel
Alcoholic Elephants on the Rampage
Drunken Redneck Ukrainian Wedding Fight
Drunk Video Humor
Drunk and Not-So-Dumb Blonde Humor

If you think this is a funny blog, help promote my site by voting for me at humor-blogs.

Tall Tales of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is that time once again where we post some of the finest drinking stories from ol' Erin itself. We have also added a few Irish blessings, and where would we be without an Irish proverb or two? So grab yourself a pint of Guinness and sit back ready to be treated to some of Ireland's best. You know that Guinness is brewed at St. James' gate in ol' Dublin. Now that is a no lose proposition in itself, it is.

Old man Fogarty arrives home several hours past closing time, and he is still feeling the effects of a long night of imbibing, he is. As he stumbles through his front door who does he meet, but none other than Missus Fogarty, herself. And Missus Fogarty is none too pleased with the condition of Mister Fogarty, don‘t you know.

"Aw, well look at this, now!” says the missus. “Mister Fogarty Himself has finally decided to grace us with his presence, he has.”

“Well, I…” begins Fogarty. But Missus Fogarty quickly interrupts.

“Michael Fogarty! Don’t you give me any of your lame excuses! At what Irish pub have you been wasting away all of my hard earned wages this time?” demands Missus Fogarty.

"At this beautiful new establishment, my love," replies Fogarty. "It is called The Golden Pub. Everything there is golden, everything, I tell you.”

"Don’t you ‘My Love’ me Michael Fogarty. And don’t you be tellin’ me one of your tall tales. You know there is no such place as the Golden Pub. The Good Lord will punish you for telling’ such lies, He will."

But Fogarty insists, "Sure, but there is such a place, Missus Fogarty! It has huge golden doors, an’ a golden floor, an’ a golden foot rail at the bar. Pray that the Good Lord will strike me down where I stand if I’m a lyin’. Missus Fogarty, even the urinal is gold!"

But Missus Fogarty does not believe ol’ Fogarty’s story and says, “Don’t you be takin’ the Good Lord’s name in vain Michael Fogarty. Golden Pub, indeed! Off to bed with ya’ now. Go sleep it off!”

But the very next mornin’ finds Missus Fogarty poring through the phone book, searching for a saloon called The Golden Pub. Sure enough, she finds a bar far across Dublin with the same name.

Missus dials the number listed to check on ol’ Fogarty’s story. "Is this the Golden Pub?" she asks as the bartender answers the phone.

"It is," replies the bartender.

"An’ do you have huge golden doors?" asks Missus Fogarty.

"But of course we do, Missus," answers the bartender.

"Do you have golden floors too?"

"That we do, missus."

“An’ a golden foot rail at the bar?” queries Missus Fogarty.

“Yes, ma’am. We have that too.”

"What about golden urinals?"

Then there is a long pause…after which Missus Fogarty hears the bartender yelling in the background, "Hey, O‘Hara, I think I just got a lead on who took a leak in your saxophone!"

_____________________________________

May the Road Rise to Meet You...

Do you know that it recently came to our attention that we have not published one of Ireland's oldest and most famous blessings. Of course we could not let such a glaring omission continue any longer. Thanks to an oral tradition of passing down Irish blessings, now several versions of this famous blessing pass the lips of many an Irish clan. The original author is unknown. Without further ado, we offer our favorite version:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields
And, until we meet again,
May God rest you in the palm of His hand.

_____________________________________

May You Have these Blessings...

May You Have these Blessings...
Good Health to make life enjoyable
Good fortune to make it bright
And lots of happiness always
With everything going just right.

_____________________________________

A True Irishman gets married for life, but not necessarily for love.

_____________________________________

Thomas Flanagan was trying to learn the game of golf and having just a stinking time of it. "I would give nearly anything to get this game right, I would!" Thomas loudly exclaimed in exasperation.

Suddenly Satan himself appeared out of thin air and asked Thomas, "Anything?"

Of course, Thomas was quite surprised to find the Devil, himself, speaking to him. "Well…I guess, short of selling my soul, yes I would," replied Thomas.

So Satan offered, "How about giving up sex for the remainder of your life?"

Thomas was quite taken aback by the offer, but he gave a wide grin as he quickly accepted the devil‘s offer. "Done!" he said.

Thomas finished his round of golf in remarkably good form, so the rumor of his deal with Satan rapidly spread throughout the course clubhouse. Timothy O’Shea was one of the club’s members, but he was also a news reporter who smelled a story in the making.

Back in the clubhouse O’Shea asked Thomas, "Sir, there is a rumor going around the clubhouse that you made a deal with the Devil, himself, to become a truly great golfer. Is there any truth to that rumor?"

"Yes sir! It is true enough, it is," answered Thomas. “And it was a wise bargain on my part, for I just completed a nearly perfect round of golf, I did.”

"And is it also true that you gave up sex for the rest of your life as your part of the agreement?" asked O’Shea.

"Again your are right, sir. True again!" replied Thomas Flanagan.

"And may I get your name, sir, for my story?" asked the reporter.

"But of course. It’s Flanagan. Father Thomas Flanagan."

_____________________________________

An Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.

_____________________________________

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.

_____________________________________

A Blessing For You and Yours...

May the grace of God’s protection
And His great love abide
Within your home-within the hearts
Of all who dwell inside.

_____________________________________

Today's video is in YouTube's new widescreen HD format and features the remarkable Lisa Kelly with the equally remarkable Celtic Woman singing "May It Be."



More Celtic Woman
More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

If you think this is a funny blog, help promote my site by voting for me at humor-blogs.

Rocky, the Drunken Squirrel

I hope that this squirrel isn't Rocky, the flying squirrel, because this guy has a problem. I would hate to think that Rocky is an alcoholic. This squirrel has had way to much to drink and it's only the middle of the day yet.

Young Rocky's video was all over the Internet about a year ago, but it was only viewed by about 3 million folks. That leaves several billion who haven't seen it, so I don't feel guilty about the rerun. Let's give it a look.



There is no doubt about it. We need to perform an intervention and get young Rocky here into a 12 step program. What an example he is setting for the younger generation.

Actually, it's more likely that this guy is a stunt squirrel. Did you notice that whenever he failed to climb the tree, he would hang on by one rear paw. This guy is just an actor; he's not really drunk. I should have known better.

I wonder how much a stunt squirrel gets paid for a gig like this?

Alcoholic Elephants on the Rampage
Drunken Redneck Ukrainian Wedding Fight
Drunk Humor

If you think this is a funny blog, help promote my site by voting for me at humor-blogs.

A Plethora of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

Once again we have the pleasure of posting some funny Irish drinking stories, some heart warming Irish blessings and insightful Irish proverbs:

Poor Mrs. Molly McGuire entered the local newspaper establishment to pay for the obituary for her dear departed husband, Peter.

Said the kindly newspaperman the charge was a dollar a word and he remembered Peter and wasn't it too bad about him passing away though.

Molly thanked him for his kind words, but bemoaned the fact that she had but two dollars to her name. So she wrote out the obituary, "Peter died."

The newspaperman said he thought that old Peter deserved a mite more than that, and, yes, he would give her three more words at no extra charge.

Mrs. Molly thanked him for his generosity during her time of need and rewrote the obituary: "Peter died. Boat for sale."

*****

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

*****

A constable pulls up two Irish drunks, then says to the first one, "Okay then, Seamus. What's your name and address?"

The first drunk replies, "My name isn’t Seamus. I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address, thank you very much."

The constable turns his attention to the second drunk and asks, "Okay then, Seamus. It’s your turn, What is your name and address?"

The second drunk replies, "My name isn’t Seamus either. I'm Sean O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

*****

May the love and protection
Saint Patrick can give
Be yours in abundance
As long as you live.

*****

How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

*****

What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure for.

*****

A solicitor was questioning his new client, "Well, Mrs. O'Hara, it’s a divorce you want, is it? So tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no!" exclaimed the Missus. " We have no grudge. Sure enough now, it’s a carport we have, it is."

So the solicitor tried again. "Well now, does the man beat you up, does he?"

"Oh, land sakes no!" said Mrs. O'Hara, looking somewhat puzzled. "Oi'm always the first one out of bed, I am."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Well now, he does play the flute, he does. But I don't think he knows a thing about the connubial,” answered the Missus.

The solicitor was getting desperate, but he pushed on nonetheless. "What I'm trying to find out, Mrs. O’Hara, is what grounds do you have."

"Bless you, sir. But, we live in a flat, to be sure. There’s not even a window box, let alone grounds, sir."

"Mrs. O'Hara," the solicitor said in a state of considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man cannot hold an intelligent conversation."

*****

A remarkable gift to the world is Irish culture as presented by Celtic Woman. Here is a video of The Last Rose of Summer.



More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

Alcoholic Elephants on the Rampage

This Sri Lankan elephant definitely appears to be ticked, as you can plainly see as he takes out his anger on this mini-bus. Sadly, elephants on the rampage like this are becoming a rather common phenomenon in Asia.

The situation plays something like this: Man encroaches on traditional pachyderm territory, so the elephants move further into the jungle to avoid contact with man. Well, you can hardly blame them for that, now can you?

The problem is that man has been encroaching on an ever increasing basis, and the elephants have fewer and fewer viable areas to retreat to.

But what has been setting the elephants off on rampages like the one in the following video is a combination of dwindling food supplies and plentiful rice beer. Farmers make huge batches of rice beer for personal consumption and for sale. As elephants venture into a village in search of food, they may happen upon a farmer’s rice beer still.

The elephants end up with too much of a good thing after chugging down the home brewed beer. Then, like some homo sapiens, they get mean and ornery once they are drunk. The result is what you see in the photo and the video.



Villagers all over Asia are concerned about the problem and have even tried to bring in outside animal experts to help them address the issue.

One of the experts has been Paris Hilton, who has not hesitated to express her opinion on the matter. To clarify matters for you, Paris knows nothing about elephants, but she does know quite a lot about imbibing to excess and is definitely an expert on that subject.

The media have been anxiously awaiting what remarkable words of wisdom Paris will utter to help all of Asia solve this tricky dilemma. So, Paris, what do we do with these alcoholic elephants?

“We need to stop making alcohol available to them,” said the 26-year-old starlet.

Wow! That is so simple it is profound. Obviously, no one else ever thought of that! Of course, it may take a while to locate a bouncer who is able to eighty six one of these husky fellas from any drinking establishment, let alone a homemade still. But we’ll advertise the position on Craig’s List to find the right job candidates.

From a more practical standpoint, what really needs to happen is to get those beer swigging pachyderms into rehab. Now this is a subject that Paris knows well. The plan would be to recruit Paris, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to counsel these wayward beasts prevailing upon them to change their decadent ways and rehabilitate themselves into munificent members of jungle society.

Paris, LL and BS must convince the brutes that they owe it to society to become positive influences for social change.

Our three musketeers could set up an academy for wayward elephants in Asia in a manner similar to what Oprah Winfrey has done for gifted young girls in South Africa. This modern day celebrity version of Larry, Moe and Curly could get the elephants on a 12-step program that would revolutionize Asian jungle law.

No more elephant rampages in the night and no more swilling beer till all hours. The problem is almost solved already. And to think we owe all of this progress on the issue to our dear Paris.

When we first saw her Internet porn video way back when, we just knew that girl was meant for greatness.

More animal humor
More animal Videos
More Elephant humor

Another Gaggle of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is time again for another gaggle of Irish drinking stories, proverbs and blessings:

Even a tin knocker will shine on a dirty door.

*****

Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.

Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.

They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

*****

The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.

*****

Note for the following story: a budgie is an English colloquialism for parakeet or bird.

Flanagan entered a pet shop and asked how many budgies (parakeets) were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner.

"Give us the lot" said Flanagan, who bought all of the birds.

He next went to the tailor’s and had his tailor sew 99 pockets into his jacket. Next, he put a budgie in each pocket, climbed to the top of the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

After hitting the ground with an enormous smack, he lay there groaning. Eventually, a passer-by stopped and asked him what had happened.

"I don't know sir," replied Flanagan. "But that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

*****

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas

*****

One day Mrs. O'Rourke felt rather sickly so she went to the doctor for a look at (an old Irish expression).

After examining her the doctor said, "Well now, Mrs. O'Rourke, I'm perplexed about your condition. However, if you bring me a urine specimen in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."

Mrs. O'Rourke went home and asked her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning, but I don't know what a urine specimen is. What am I to do?"

Mr. O'Rourke replied, "I don't know. But I think you should go see Mrs. O'Toole. She'll know what to do."

So, Mrs. O'Rourke walked down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's home. But she returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, an eye blackened, with bruises all over her body, and with her hair tangled as if it were a bird’s nest.

Shocked, Mr. O'Rourke gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen was.”

“She said 'Go P*ss in a bottle, woman.’”

“So, I said 'Go sh*t in yer hat !’”

“And the fight was on."

*****

May you have…
A song in your heart
A smile on your lips
And nothing but joy
At your finger tips.

*****

If you put a silk dress on a goat he is a goat still.

*****

If you have not seen Riverdance, the Irish dance phenomenon that has taken over the globe, you are missing out. Give a look at this video:



More Irish Drinking Stories

Another Group of Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings

Here are another group of Irish drinking stories, proverbs and blessings:

A grumpy old curmudgeon of a man enters the parish office of the Holy Rosary Catholic Church, immediately spots the office secretary and says to her, "I want to join this damn church."

“I beg your pardon, sir,” the astonished secretary replies. “I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I'm very sorry sir, but vile language is not tolerated at the Holy Rosary Church.”

The secretary leaves her desk to find the pastor. In the pastor's study she informs Father O’Reilly of her foul mouthed visitor. The pastor agrees that the secretary should not have to listen to such foul language.

They both return to front office and Father O’Reilly asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem!” the curmudgeon says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery, and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” says the priest. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

*****

O’Shaughnessy himself and his wife, Elizabeth, had four boys. The older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, which are all typical Irish traits, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

O’Shaughnessy became so seriously ill that he knew he wasn’t long for this world. As he was lying on his deathbed, he asked his wife, “Honey, before I die, you must be totally honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?"

Elizabeth replied, "I swear on the Blarney stone and everything that's holy that he is your son.”

Satisfied, at that moment O’Shaughnessy passed away.

Elizabeth then muttered, “Thank the Lord he didn't ask about the other three.”

*****

Sean and his wife, Patty, wake up in the middle of the night to a pounding on their front door. Sean rushes downstairs to see what the ruckus is about.

He opens his door to a drunk, who is soaking wet from the rain asking him for a push.

"Are you kidding?” Says Sean. “It is 3AM, go away!”

Sean slams the door heading back upstairs to go back to bed. Once he is there, his wife asks him what happened and he explains to her about the drunk.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Sean O‘Brien!” Patty replies. “Don't you remember when we were stuck out in the rain in the middle of the night and we needed help. If those nice neighbors hadn't helped us we would have spent the night in our car. Now, you go out there and give that poor man a push.”

Sean gets dressed for the weather, heading downstairs to help the poor drunk. As he walks outside he calls into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there? Do you still need a push?”

The drunk calls back “Yes, thank you so much, I do.”

“Where are you?” asks Sean.

“Over, here on the porch swing.”

*****

And another Irish Blessing:

May your heart be light and happy
May your smile be big and wide
And may your pockets always have
A tinkle of gold inside.

More Irish drinking stories and blessings

Another Batch of Irish Drinking Stories and Irish Blessings

Yet again we are providing a few more Irish drinking stories and blessings.

As an elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland, they were pulled over by the police. Eileen, who was driving, rolled down her window as the police officer approached and asked, “Ma'am, did you know that you were speeding?”

Eileen turned to her husband, Paddy, and asked, “What did he say?”

Knowing his wife was hard of hearing, Paddy shouted into her ear, “He said you were speeding!”

The officer said, “May I see your license, please?”

Eileen, once again turned to her husband, Paddy, and said, “What did he say?”

Again, Paddy shouted, “He wants to see your license!”

As Eileen handed her license to the police officer, he said, “I see that you are from Cork. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.”

Again, Eileen turned to Paddy asking, “What did he say?”

Paddy shouted quite loudly, “He thinks he knows you!”

*****

As Michael and Sean were walking home after a night at the pub, Michael turned and said to Sean, “What an incredible night, just look at that beautiful moon.”

Sean stopped dead in his tracks, looked at Michael and said, “You are wrong, Michael. That's not the moon, that's the sun.”

They both stood there arguing until a drunk approached from the other direction. They stopped him and asked, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? What is that up in the sky. Is it the sun or the moon?”

The drunk looked up toward the sky. Then he turned toward them, and said, “Sorry, I don't live around here.”

*****

O’Brien aspired to be an accountant, so he went down to take the Irish accountancy exam.

The examiner asked him, “If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”

O’Brien replied, “five.”

The examiner answered, “Five? No, now listen to me carefully once again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?”

Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”

The examiner was beginning to get flustered, so he said, “Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer do you have?”

“Four,” answered O’Brien.

“Good!” said the examiner. “Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”

Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”

Exasperated, the examiner pleaded, “How on earth do you figure that two lots of two rabbits equals five?”

Said O‘Brien, “I already have one rabbit at home.”

*****

And another Irish blessing:

May your heart be light and happy,
May your smile be big and wide,
And may your pockets always have
a coin or two inside!

More Irish humor
More Drunk Humor

Yet a Few More Irish Drinking Stories

There is nothing that will make you so popular as re-telling some of our Irish drinking stories:

Father O’Malley, an Irish priest, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”

The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."

*****

As an Irish priest is driving into New York, he is stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then spies an empty wine bottle on the floor in the front seat of the car.

The trooper says, "Tell me, Father, have you been drinking?"

"Just a bit ‘o water," says the priest.

The trooper replies, "If that is true, then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

*****

Fogarty walked into a barroom, sat down at the bar and began ordering martini after martini. With each drink he would remove the olives and place them in a jar. Not until the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks were fully drunk, did the Irishman rise to leave.

"Excuse me," said the bartender, who was puzzled over what Fogarty had done. "Whatever was that all about?"

"Oh, nothing," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

*****

An Old Irish Blessing:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

More Irish Drinking Stories

Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings of Ireland

Here is a favorite Irish saying:

There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How the hell can he drink when he's dead?

And another Irish drinking tale - This one is about wishing for a long life:

Three tipsy Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Michael, had left the pub rather late one night and found themselves on the road leading past the old graveyard.

"Come here and have a look," says Paddy, "‘Tis Thomas Harrington's grave, it ‘tis. And may God rest his soul. The good man lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those Harringtons!"

"Ah! That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one ‘twas named Patrick O'Grady. It says that he was 95 when he passed. Now, the O'Gradys! They’re a hardy bunch, they are!"

Just then, Michael shouts, "Forget him, here's one fella that lived to be 145 years old!"

“145! No way!” Yells Paddy.

"And, what was his name?" asks Sean.

Michael stumbles around in the dark a bit and awkwardly lights a match, trying to see what else is written on the stone marker. Finally he exclaims, "Miles..."

"Miles who?" asks Paddy.

"To Dublin!"

Irish Proverb:

The Irish ignore anything they cannot drink or punch.

More Irish Drinking Stories...

More Irish Drinking Stories, David Letterman, Jay Leno

Here is another Irish drinking story along with a few more gems from Jay Leno and David Letterman:

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The ambiance was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food quite exceptional.

"Ye'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow we have a bar named McTavish's. There, the barman goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th for you on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local pub, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Oh, that's nuthin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin we have Driscoll's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you one drink, then another, and all the drinks you like, in fact. Then, once you've finally had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see to it that you get laid. All on the house."

"And," replied the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Well, not me me'self, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

****

From Jay Leno:

Columnist Liz Smith reported that the Hillary Clinton campaign has asked Paris Hilton to campaign for her. Everyone wanted to know who asked Paris. Of course, it was Bill.

****

From David Letterman:

Jenna Bush is getting married, and it is going to be an expensive wedding. George is awarding the $3 billion contract to Halliburton.

More Letterman:

You know about the military surge in Iraq. Well, Senator Larry Craig said, I am feeling a surge of my own.

And Letterman again:

Rosie O’Donnell has a new book out. There are three chapters about Bush. Then there is one about the president.

More Leno...

More Letterman...

More Irish Drinking Stories...

Irish Drinking Stories Again

Once again you have the privilege of being treated to some famous Irish Drinking Stories. No Irish pub is worth anything without a re-tellin' of these famous Irish tales.

****

O’Malley went into McCafferty’s Pub and ordered three pints at one time. The bartender asks O’Malley, “Now, tell me O’Malley, why would you be needin’ three pints all at the same time?”

O’Malley explained that each of his brothers just emigrated overseas, one to Australia and the other to America. “As long as each brother lives,” O’Malley says, “I am going to be buyin’ three at a time, one for me and one for each of my brothers.”

So, each time that O’Malley came into McCafferty’s, he would order three pints at the same time.

This went on for years, until one day, O’Malley pulled himself up onto a barstool at McCafferty’s and ordered only two pints.

“Oh, no,” says the bartender. “Which of your brothers passed on? The one in Australia or the one in America?”

“Oh, it’s not that,” says O’Malley. “Both me brothers are just fine. Me doctor’s makin’ me give up the drink.”

****

A passer-by watched as two Irishmen were working in a park--One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

“Tell me,” said the passer-by, “What on earth are you two doing?”

“Well,” said the digger, “Usually, there are three of us. I dig, O’Hara plants the tree and Sean here fills in the hole.”

“Today, O’Hara is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, now does it?”

****

Irish Blessing:

If you're lucky enough to be Irish...
You're lucky enough.

More Irish Drinking Stories...

Drunken Redneck Ukrainian Wedding Fight

Is Ukranian the Russian word for Redneck? You would think so from watching this video of a slam, bam, no-thank-you ma’am, wedding fight. These characters do not mess around when they are fighting. Get an opponent on the ground and they do not let him up no matter what.

The one guy in the dark suit really slammed his head hard into the asphalt when he went down. If he did not end up in the hospital, that would be a surprise. But that is the name of the game. If you cannot take the punishment, don’t get into the fight.



More Redneck Videos...

More Redneck Humor...

Try Redneck Graffiti...

A Bunch of Irish Drinking Stories

Some stories are better when they are told in bunches. That said, here are a bunch of Irish drinking stories:

Ol’ Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with but a pet dog named Seamus for company. One day poor Seamus up and died, so Muldoon went to see the parish priest.

Muldoon said to Father O‘Hara, “Father, me dog, Seamus, is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?”

Father O’Hara replied, “Oh, I'm afraid not, Muldoon. Canon law says we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor beast.”

Muldoon said, “Thank you, Father. I will go see the Baptists right away. Do ya' think $1,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father O’Hara exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Muldoon! Now, why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

******

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

The voice on the other end of the line asks, “Hello, is this Father O'Malley?”

“It is,” answers O’Malley.

“This is the IRS,” says the voice. “Can you help us?”

“I can.”

“Do you know a Patrick Houlihan?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”

******

Dermot McCann opened his morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read about his own death in the obituary column. He quickly called his best friend, Sean O’Reilly.

“O’Reilly!“ said Dermot. “Did ye see the paper? They say that I died.”

“Yes, I saw it,” replied O’Reilly. Then, O’Reilly paused a bit, then softly asked, “Dermot. Where are ye callin' from?”

More Irish Drinking Stories...

Irish Drinking Stories

Some of the best humor comes straight from Ireland, itself, and the subject will often involve a wee bit of drink:

O'Flaherty's Diagnosis

O'Flaherty was feeling a mite ill so he popped in to see Dr. O'Hara.

After examining O'Flaherty, Dr. O'Hara was puzzled.

"I am very sorry O'Flaherty, but I cannot diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink."

Replied O'Flaherty, "Don't worry about it Dr. O'Hara, I'll come back when you're sober."


Irish-American Drinking Story

An American walks into McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

More Drinking Humor...

More Irish Humor...

Drunk and Not-So-Dumb Blonde Humor

A drunk and a blonde are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The drunk asks the blonde if she would like to play a game.

The blonde, who is tired and really just wants to take a nap, politely declines to participate and rolls over toward the window to go to sleep.

The drunk persists, explaining how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me. If you ask me a question that I don’t know the answer to, I will pay you."

The blonde again declines politely still hoping to get some sleep.

The drunk, figuring that he will easily win because his opponent is a blonde, increases the attractiveness of his offer. "If you don't know the answer to my question, you only pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer to your question, then I will pay you $500."

The blonde figures the drunk will continue tormenting her unless she plays, so she reluctantly agrees.

The drunk asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, removes a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the drunk. Then she asks the drunk, "What goes up a hill with three legs, but comes down with four?"

The drunk is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references, taps into the plane’s air-phone with his modem and even searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he tries emailing his coworkers, family and friends with no luck. After about an hour, he finally gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500, then turns back to the window to get back to sleep.

The drunk is going nuts still trying to figure it out. He wakes the blonde asking, "Well, tell me, what goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the drunk $5, then goes back to sleep.

More Blonde Jokes...

More Drunk Jokes...