A Bevy of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is time for another blend of Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. I believe that we have a few here that may just warm the cockles of your heart.

Let us begin with a St. Paddy's Day toast:

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!

*****

May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband (or wife).

*****

O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon.

He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing.

The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”

“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"

Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

*****

To Ireland:

Here's to the land of the shamrock so green,
Here's to each lad and his darlin' colleen,
Here's to the ones we love dearest and most.
May God bless old Ireland, that's this Irishman's toast!

*****

To Luck:

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish...
You’re lucky enough!

*****

Mrs. Fogarty was sitting on a sofa during the wake of her departed husband, Fogarty, to whom she had been married for 46 years.

Mrs. McGraw, one of her close neighbors, was trying to console Mrs. Fogarty by asking her, “46 years of marriage is remarkable my dear. You and Fogarty, himself, must have been very happy to stay together so long.”

To which Mrs. Fogarty replied, “For twenty three years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world. Then we met.”

*****

To Friendship:

May the lilt of Irish laughter
lighten every load.
May the mist of Irish magic
shorten every road...
And may all your friends remember
all the favors you are owed!

*****

An Irish Curse:

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

*****

Old man Gallagher is lying on his deathbed after a vigorous life of 89 years. Gathered around him are his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, who are all saddened and teary-eyed at the nearing finale of Gallagher’s very long and productive life.

The weakened old man is in a deep coma, and old Doc O’Brien has said that the waiting should be over in less than twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, Gallagher opens his eyes, awakening from his coma, and remarks, "I must be in heaven already! I smell grandmother's potato cakes!"

"No, grandfather,” says young Sean, a grandson. “You are not in heaven yet. Grandmother is baking home made bread and potato cakes right now as we speak."

The dying Gallagher says, "Sean, could you please fulfill my last dying request. This will be the last time that I taste one of grandmother’s famously delicious potato cakes.”

“Would you please go down and get me just a small piece?" the old man asks with what is left of his rapidly declining breath.

Sean immediately dispatches young Michael, one of Gallagher’s great grandchildren, to fulfill the old man's last request.

After quite a long time, young Michael returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your great grandmother's delicious potato cakes, Michael?" the dying old man asks.

"I'm very sorry great grandfather,” young Michael sheepishly replies. “But she says it's for the funeral."

*****

Our video today is the Irish tune "Lassie," and is sung by the Irish Tenors. If you have not seen the Tenors perform, you are in for a treat.



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Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings Once Again

It is time for more Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. Here are my latest:

Ballerina

A large obnoxious woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walks into McCafferty‘s Pub and eyes the patrons drinking at the bar. Raising her right arm and revealing a huge, hairy armpit, she points to all the people sitting on bar stools and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar is struck silent as each patron tries his best to ignore her. However, down at the end of the bar, old Colin Collins, drunk as could be, slams his money down on the bar bellowing, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

McCafferty, the bartender, pours the lady a pint of Guinness and she downs the entire drink immediately. Turning again to the pub’s patrons, she again points at all of them with a sweep of her immense arm, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

And again, old Colin slaps his money down upon the bar, saying: “Give the ballerina another drink!”

McCafferty approaches Colin asking “Colin, my old friend, it is your business if you want to buy this woman a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”

Old Colin, in his drunken stupor, replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!”

*****

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.

*****

May we be alive at the same time next year.

*****

Devotion to Your Lover

Timothy O’Sullivan and Michael O’Connor were out hacking at the fairways one beautiful Spring day.

Just as Timothy was about to chip onto the 9th green, he spied a long funeral procession parading down the road adjacent to the golf course.

Timothy halted his swing, removed his cap, and bowed his head reverently in prayer.

Upon seeing his friend responding so fervently to the funeral procession Michael said, “Timmy, I am amazed at ye. That is one of the most remarkably touching things I have ever seen ye do. Ye are truly kind and a man of God, ye are.”

To which Timothy replied, “Well, ye know, it’s the least I can do. We were married 35 years, we were.”

*****

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.

*****

A true Irishman won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast.

*****

Modern Medicine

Old Thomas O'Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.

However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.

Said Dr. Flynn, "I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”

“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”

Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.

But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.

After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.

While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.

As he strode past a men's clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”

After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”

After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”

Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”

“It's my job,” replied the salesman.

Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?"

Thomas responded, “Why not?”

Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”

“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”

“It's my job,” said the salesman.

As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”

Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”

Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”

Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”

“It's my job,” responded the salesman.

Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”

Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”

As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”

This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”

But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.”

*****

An Irishman believes that to forgive is divine, and therefore doesn't exercise it himself.

*****

Here's to you, as good as you are.
Here's to me as bad as I am.
As good as you are and as bad as I am,
I'm as good as you are, as bad as I am.

The video below is Celtic Woman singing "Over the Rainbow."



More Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings

A Pack of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

For your edification and enjoyment, may I present to you another pack of Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs:

Paddy was trapped in a bog and thought himself to be a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly happened to wander by.

"Help! Help me!" Paddy yelled, "Oi'm sinking!"

“Don't you worry yourself, Paddy," said Mick assuredly. "Next to the Strong Man Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest lad in Erin, I am. Oi'll pull ye right out of that mess, I will."

With that, Big Mick leaned over grabbing Paddy's hand and he pulled and he pulled, but to no avail.

Two more times, Big Mick pulled, but still no luck. After the last attempt, Mick said to Paddy, “Sure, but Oi cannot do it, Paddy. The Strong Man Muldoon could do it alone, maybe, but Oi'll have to go get us some help."

As Mick was preparing to leave to get help, Paddy called out, "Mick! Mick! Do ye think it would help if Oi pulled me feet out of the stirrups?"

*****

It s no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking

*****

Leprechauns, castles
good luck and laughter,
lullabies, dreams
and love ever after.
Poems and songs
with pipes and drums,
a thousand welcomes
when anyone comes…
That’s the Irish for you!

*****

This transcript of official Court testimony reportedly occurred in County Cork court, deep in Munster, Ireland:

Said the court Solicitor, “Now, if you please, Mr. O’Flaherty, at the scene of the accident, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?”

O'Flaherty, a farmer, replied, “That's correct, sir. Yes, I did.”

The Solicitor then asked, “Well, Mr. O'Flaherty, would you please tell the court how can it be that you are now claiming to be seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?”

O'Flaherty replied, “When the Garda arrived, he walked over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him without even a how do you do.”

“Then he walked over to Darcy, my dear dog, my lifelong companion, who was also quite badly hurt, and shot him.”

“So, when the Garda asked me how I felt, under the circumstances, I thought that it was a wise choice of words to say I'd never felt better in me life.”

*****

The best way to keep loyalty in a man's heart is to keep money in his purse.

*****

A group of hunters, out on holiday, were driving along searching for a place to hunt, when they pulled their vehicle into a farmer's yard in County Waterford, Munster, Ireland. Sean, the driver, approached the farmhouse to ask the farmer for his permission to hunt on his land.

The owner, an old farmer, said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favor, sir? My old donkey standing over there is 20 years old now. She is deathly sick with cancer, but I just don't have the heart to kill her meself. Would you do it for me?”

Sean answered, “Of course I will.”

While returning to the car, however, Sean decided to play a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and said nothing.

Naturally, his buddies anxiously asked if the farmer had given his permission to hunt.

Sean said, “No, that old farmer said we can't hunt here. So I'm going to teach that old man a lesson he won't forget.”

With that, Sean lowered the window on his side of the car, pointed his gun out the window and shot the donkey. Then he shouted, “To be sure, that will teach the old timer.”

At that moment a second shot rang out from the passenger side of the vehicle and one of his hunting mates yelled, “And me, begorra, I got the cow.”

*****

Walls for the wind,
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks beside the fire.
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire!

*****

Since it is Christmas, a fitting video is "O Holy Night" sung by Celtic Woman:



More Irish humor, proverbs and blessings
More Celtic Woman

A Plethora of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

Once again we have the pleasure of posting some funny Irish drinking stories, some heart warming Irish blessings and insightful Irish proverbs:

Poor Mrs. Molly McGuire entered the local newspaper establishment to pay for the obituary for her dear departed husband, Peter.

Said the kindly newspaperman the charge was a dollar a word and he remembered Peter and wasn't it too bad about him passing away though.

Molly thanked him for his kind words, but bemoaned the fact that she had but two dollars to her name. So she wrote out the obituary, "Peter died."

The newspaperman said he thought that old Peter deserved a mite more than that, and, yes, he would give her three more words at no extra charge.

Mrs. Molly thanked him for his generosity during her time of need and rewrote the obituary: "Peter died. Boat for sale."

*****

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

*****

A constable pulls up two Irish drunks, then says to the first one, "Okay then, Seamus. What's your name and address?"

The first drunk replies, "My name isn’t Seamus. I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address, thank you very much."

The constable turns his attention to the second drunk and asks, "Okay then, Seamus. It’s your turn, What is your name and address?"

The second drunk replies, "My name isn’t Seamus either. I'm Sean O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

*****

May the love and protection
Saint Patrick can give
Be yours in abundance
As long as you live.

*****

How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

*****

What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure for.

*****

A solicitor was questioning his new client, "Well, Mrs. O'Hara, it’s a divorce you want, is it? So tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no!" exclaimed the Missus. " We have no grudge. Sure enough now, it’s a carport we have, it is."

So the solicitor tried again. "Well now, does the man beat you up, does he?"

"Oh, land sakes no!" said Mrs. O'Hara, looking somewhat puzzled. "Oi'm always the first one out of bed, I am."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Well now, he does play the flute, he does. But I don't think he knows a thing about the connubial,” answered the Missus.

The solicitor was getting desperate, but he pushed on nonetheless. "What I'm trying to find out, Mrs. O’Hara, is what grounds do you have."

"Bless you, sir. But, we live in a flat, to be sure. There’s not even a window box, let alone grounds, sir."

"Mrs. O'Hara," the solicitor said in a state of considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man cannot hold an intelligent conversation."

*****

A remarkable gift to the world is Irish culture as presented by Celtic Woman. Here is a video of The Last Rose of Summer.



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Another Gaggle of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is time again for another gaggle of Irish drinking stories, proverbs and blessings:

Even a tin knocker will shine on a dirty door.

*****

Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.

Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.

They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

*****

The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.

*****

Note for the following story: a budgie is an English colloquialism for parakeet or bird.

Flanagan entered a pet shop and asked how many budgies (parakeets) were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner.

"Give us the lot" said Flanagan, who bought all of the birds.

He next went to the tailor’s and had his tailor sew 99 pockets into his jacket. Next, he put a budgie in each pocket, climbed to the top of the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

After hitting the ground with an enormous smack, he lay there groaning. Eventually, a passer-by stopped and asked him what had happened.

"I don't know sir," replied Flanagan. "But that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

*****

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas

*****

One day Mrs. O'Rourke felt rather sickly so she went to the doctor for a look at (an old Irish expression).

After examining her the doctor said, "Well now, Mrs. O'Rourke, I'm perplexed about your condition. However, if you bring me a urine specimen in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."

Mrs. O'Rourke went home and asked her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning, but I don't know what a urine specimen is. What am I to do?"

Mr. O'Rourke replied, "I don't know. But I think you should go see Mrs. O'Toole. She'll know what to do."

So, Mrs. O'Rourke walked down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's home. But she returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, an eye blackened, with bruises all over her body, and with her hair tangled as if it were a bird’s nest.

Shocked, Mr. O'Rourke gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen was.”

“She said 'Go P*ss in a bottle, woman.’”

“So, I said 'Go sh*t in yer hat !’”

“And the fight was on."

*****

May you have…
A song in your heart
A smile on your lips
And nothing but joy
At your finger tips.

*****

If you put a silk dress on a goat he is a goat still.

*****

If you have not seen Riverdance, the Irish dance phenomenon that has taken over the globe, you are missing out. Give a look at this video:



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Another Group of Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings

Here are another group of Irish drinking stories, proverbs and blessings:

A grumpy old curmudgeon of a man enters the parish office of the Holy Rosary Catholic Church, immediately spots the office secretary and says to her, "I want to join this damn church."

“I beg your pardon, sir,” the astonished secretary replies. “I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I'm very sorry sir, but vile language is not tolerated at the Holy Rosary Church.”

The secretary leaves her desk to find the pastor. In the pastor's study she informs Father O’Reilly of her foul mouthed visitor. The pastor agrees that the secretary should not have to listen to such foul language.

They both return to front office and Father O’Reilly asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem!” the curmudgeon says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery, and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” says the priest. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

*****

O’Shaughnessy himself and his wife, Elizabeth, had four boys. The older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, which are all typical Irish traits, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

O’Shaughnessy became so seriously ill that he knew he wasn’t long for this world. As he was lying on his deathbed, he asked his wife, “Honey, before I die, you must be totally honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?"

Elizabeth replied, "I swear on the Blarney stone and everything that's holy that he is your son.”

Satisfied, at that moment O’Shaughnessy passed away.

Elizabeth then muttered, “Thank the Lord he didn't ask about the other three.”

*****

Sean and his wife, Patty, wake up in the middle of the night to a pounding on their front door. Sean rushes downstairs to see what the ruckus is about.

He opens his door to a drunk, who is soaking wet from the rain asking him for a push.

"Are you kidding?” Says Sean. “It is 3AM, go away!”

Sean slams the door heading back upstairs to go back to bed. Once he is there, his wife asks him what happened and he explains to her about the drunk.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Sean O‘Brien!” Patty replies. “Don't you remember when we were stuck out in the rain in the middle of the night and we needed help. If those nice neighbors hadn't helped us we would have spent the night in our car. Now, you go out there and give that poor man a push.”

Sean gets dressed for the weather, heading downstairs to help the poor drunk. As he walks outside he calls into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there? Do you still need a push?”

The drunk calls back “Yes, thank you so much, I do.”

“Where are you?” asks Sean.

“Over, here on the porch swing.”

*****

And another Irish Blessing:

May your heart be light and happy
May your smile be big and wide
And may your pockets always have
A tinkle of gold inside.

More Irish drinking stories and blessings

Yet a Few More Irish Drinking Stories

There is nothing that will make you so popular as re-telling some of our Irish drinking stories:

Father O’Malley, an Irish priest, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”

The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."

*****

As an Irish priest is driving into New York, he is stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then spies an empty wine bottle on the floor in the front seat of the car.

The trooper says, "Tell me, Father, have you been drinking?"

"Just a bit ‘o water," says the priest.

The trooper replies, "If that is true, then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

*****

Fogarty walked into a barroom, sat down at the bar and began ordering martini after martini. With each drink he would remove the olives and place them in a jar. Not until the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks were fully drunk, did the Irishman rise to leave.

"Excuse me," said the bartender, who was puzzled over what Fogarty had done. "Whatever was that all about?"

"Oh, nothing," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

*****

An Old Irish Blessing:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

More Irish Drinking Stories

A Few More Irish Drinking Stories and Blessings

When in doubt, opt for a few Irish drinking stories because they will cheer you up in no time.

O'Reilly's Missus:

O’Reilly had been out all night drinking at his favorite pub. As that time of night approached the bartender signaled last call saying the bar would soon be closing. So O’Reilly downed his last sip of Guinness and stood up to leave, but he quickly fell flat on his face.

He tried standing one more time, but, again, he met with the same result. He decided that he would crawl outside to get some fresh air thinking that might sober him up.

Once outside he stood up again, but once again he fell to the ground. So he decided he would crawl the 2 blocks to his home. Upon arriving at his front door he tried standing up once more, but he again dropped flat on his face. So, he crawled inside dragging his way into the bedroom.

After reaching his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he did manage to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell straight into bed and was asleep just as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning he awakened to his missus standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again, have you?"

"And what makes you say that?" O’Reilly asked, feigning an innocent look.

"Because the pub called,” his missus replied. “You forgot your wheelchair there again."

****

An Irish Blessing:

May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you wherever you go.

****

The Irish 007:

During the French Revolution in Paris, back in 1789, three accused spies from across the English Channel are waiting to be guillotined.

"Do you want to be beheaded on your back or on your front?" The executioner asked Smith, an Englishman. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death. I‘ll look him in the eye."

So the executioner tied Smith down on his back underneath the heavy blade. The executioner then reached up for the lever, and gave it a mighty tug. The blade quickly began to slide down the guillotine toward Smith’s waiting neck but just as quickly jammed in the middle of its track.

The captain of the guard approached Smith telling him it was his lucky day. He was reprieved because, under French law, no man can be sentenced to death twice.

White, another Englishman, was called next by the executioner. White also chose to face the blade, lying on his back. Once again the executioner’s sinewy arm reached for the lever, and once again the blade jammed in the middle of its slide.

The captain of the guard told White that he, too, had managed to cheat death for he also was reprieved.

Murphy, an Irishman, was third.

"Back or front?" shouted the executioner.

"If it's good enough for Smith and it’s good enough for White, then it's good enough for me," said Murphy.

And Murphy, too, was laid down on his back beneath the silver blade. "Begorra!" he shouted looking up at the blade. "Just a minute there. I think I see why it jams."

More Irish Humor...

More Drunk Humor...

Irish Blessings and More Irish Drinking Tales

Here are a couple of Irish drinking stories followed by traditional Irish blessings:

France’s President, Nicolas Sarkozy was working in his office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" said a voice in a heavily accented brogue. "This is Paddy down at McCafferty’s Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing you up to inform you that we are officially declaring war on the French!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is very important news, indeed! Tell me, how large is your army?"

"As of this moment," said Paddy, after a bit of calculation, "there’s meself, me cousin Sean, the pub’s proprietor, one Seamus McCafferty Himself, and the pub’s entire darts team. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy replied, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to mobilize at a moment‘s notice."

"Oh, faith and begorrah!" said Paddy. "I’m afraid I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the very next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to enlist some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" asked Sarkozy.

"Well, we have a combine, two bulldozers, and O’Hara’s tractor."

Sarkozy amusedly replied, "Let me tell you about my equipment, Paddy. I have 4,000 tanks and over 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Plus, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "150,000! I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang up President Sarkozy once again the next day. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified young Jack McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Four Shamrocks Bar have joined up as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a moment, cleared his throat, then said, "Ah! It’s an air war you want. I must tell you, Paddy. I have 150 bombers and 250 fighter jets. Our military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missiles with a state of the art computer monitoring system. And at last count, I have increased my army to more than 200,000 of France‘s finest infantrymen!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" replied Paddy, "Let me ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy dialed up Sarkozy again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I regret to inform you that we had to call the war off."

"No!” said the President. “I am sorry to hear that. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is just no friggin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.”

And one about arthritis:

Muldoon stumbled his way out of a saloon smack in the middle of the afternoon and ran right into the arms of Father O‘Malley.

"Inebriated again, you are!" scoffed the priest. "Muldoon, ‘tis a shame on you, it ‘tis! When are you going to straighten out your life, may I ask?"

Muldoon looked directly into the good father‘s eyes and asked, "Father. What causes arthritis?"

"Arthritis! I'll tell you what causes it, I will! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling away your hard earned wages and carousing around with loose women who have lost their way. That’s what causes it. Now tell me, Muldoon. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred Muldoon. "Bishop O’Hara has it!"

*****

And Some Irish Blessings:

Don't mourn for me now
Don't mourn for me never
I'm going to do nothing
For ever and ever.

And Another:

May the Good Lord take a liking to you... but not too soon!

More Irish Humor...

More Irish Drinking Stories, David Letterman, Jay Leno

Here is another Irish drinking story along with a few more gems from Jay Leno and David Letterman:

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The ambiance was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food quite exceptional.

"Ye'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow we have a bar named McTavish's. There, the barman goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th for you on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local pub, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Oh, that's nuthin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin we have Driscoll's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you one drink, then another, and all the drinks you like, in fact. Then, once you've finally had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see to it that you get laid. All on the house."

"And," replied the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Well, not me me'self, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

****

From Jay Leno:

Columnist Liz Smith reported that the Hillary Clinton campaign has asked Paris Hilton to campaign for her. Everyone wanted to know who asked Paris. Of course, it was Bill.

****

From David Letterman:

Jenna Bush is getting married, and it is going to be an expensive wedding. George is awarding the $3 billion contract to Halliburton.

More Letterman:

You know about the military surge in Iraq. Well, Senator Larry Craig said, I am feeling a surge of my own.

And Letterman again:

Rosie O’Donnell has a new book out. There are three chapters about Bush. Then there is one about the president.

More Leno...

More Letterman...

More Irish Drinking Stories...

A Bunch of Irish Drinking Stories

Some stories are better when they are told in bunches. That said, here are a bunch of Irish drinking stories:

Ol’ Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with but a pet dog named Seamus for company. One day poor Seamus up and died, so Muldoon went to see the parish priest.

Muldoon said to Father O‘Hara, “Father, me dog, Seamus, is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?”

Father O’Hara replied, “Oh, I'm afraid not, Muldoon. Canon law says we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor beast.”

Muldoon said, “Thank you, Father. I will go see the Baptists right away. Do ya' think $1,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father O’Hara exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Muldoon! Now, why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

******

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

The voice on the other end of the line asks, “Hello, is this Father O'Malley?”

“It is,” answers O’Malley.

“This is the IRS,” says the voice. “Can you help us?”

“I can.”

“Do you know a Patrick Houlihan?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”

******

Dermot McCann opened his morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read about his own death in the obituary column. He quickly called his best friend, Sean O’Reilly.

“O’Reilly!“ said Dermot. “Did ye see the paper? They say that I died.”

“Yes, I saw it,” replied O’Reilly. Then, O’Reilly paused a bit, then softly asked, “Dermot. Where are ye callin' from?”

More Irish Drinking Stories...