Tall Tales of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is that time once again where we post some of the finest drinking stories from ol' Erin itself. We have also added a few Irish blessings, and where would we be without an Irish proverb or two? So grab yourself a pint of Guinness and sit back ready to be treated to some of Ireland's best. You know that Guinness is brewed at St. James' gate in ol' Dublin. Now that is a no lose proposition in itself, it is.

Old man Fogarty arrives home several hours past closing time, and he is still feeling the effects of a long night of imbibing, he is. As he stumbles through his front door who does he meet, but none other than Missus Fogarty, herself. And Missus Fogarty is none too pleased with the condition of Mister Fogarty, don‘t you know.

"Aw, well look at this, now!” says the missus. “Mister Fogarty Himself has finally decided to grace us with his presence, he has.”

“Well, I…” begins Fogarty. But Missus Fogarty quickly interrupts.

“Michael Fogarty! Don’t you give me any of your lame excuses! At what Irish pub have you been wasting away all of my hard earned wages this time?” demands Missus Fogarty.

"At this beautiful new establishment, my love," replies Fogarty. "It is called The Golden Pub. Everything there is golden, everything, I tell you.”

"Don’t you ‘My Love’ me Michael Fogarty. And don’t you be tellin’ me one of your tall tales. You know there is no such place as the Golden Pub. The Good Lord will punish you for telling’ such lies, He will."

But Fogarty insists, "Sure, but there is such a place, Missus Fogarty! It has huge golden doors, an’ a golden floor, an’ a golden foot rail at the bar. Pray that the Good Lord will strike me down where I stand if I’m a lyin’. Missus Fogarty, even the urinal is gold!"

But Missus Fogarty does not believe ol’ Fogarty’s story and says, “Don’t you be takin’ the Good Lord’s name in vain Michael Fogarty. Golden Pub, indeed! Off to bed with ya’ now. Go sleep it off!”

But the very next mornin’ finds Missus Fogarty poring through the phone book, searching for a saloon called The Golden Pub. Sure enough, she finds a bar far across Dublin with the same name.

Missus dials the number listed to check on ol’ Fogarty’s story. "Is this the Golden Pub?" she asks as the bartender answers the phone.

"It is," replies the bartender.

"An’ do you have huge golden doors?" asks Missus Fogarty.

"But of course we do, Missus," answers the bartender.

"Do you have golden floors too?"

"That we do, missus."

“An’ a golden foot rail at the bar?” queries Missus Fogarty.

“Yes, ma’am. We have that too.”

"What about golden urinals?"

Then there is a long pause…after which Missus Fogarty hears the bartender yelling in the background, "Hey, O‘Hara, I think I just got a lead on who took a leak in your saxophone!"

_____________________________________

May the Road Rise to Meet You...

Do you know that it recently came to our attention that we have not published one of Ireland's oldest and most famous blessings. Of course we could not let such a glaring omission continue any longer. Thanks to an oral tradition of passing down Irish blessings, now several versions of this famous blessing pass the lips of many an Irish clan. The original author is unknown. Without further ado, we offer our favorite version:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields
And, until we meet again,
May God rest you in the palm of His hand.

_____________________________________

May You Have these Blessings...

May You Have these Blessings...
Good Health to make life enjoyable
Good fortune to make it bright
And lots of happiness always
With everything going just right.

_____________________________________

A True Irishman gets married for life, but not necessarily for love.

_____________________________________

Thomas Flanagan was trying to learn the game of golf and having just a stinking time of it. "I would give nearly anything to get this game right, I would!" Thomas loudly exclaimed in exasperation.

Suddenly Satan himself appeared out of thin air and asked Thomas, "Anything?"

Of course, Thomas was quite surprised to find the Devil, himself, speaking to him. "Well…I guess, short of selling my soul, yes I would," replied Thomas.

So Satan offered, "How about giving up sex for the remainder of your life?"

Thomas was quite taken aback by the offer, but he gave a wide grin as he quickly accepted the devil‘s offer. "Done!" he said.

Thomas finished his round of golf in remarkably good form, so the rumor of his deal with Satan rapidly spread throughout the course clubhouse. Timothy O’Shea was one of the club’s members, but he was also a news reporter who smelled a story in the making.

Back in the clubhouse O’Shea asked Thomas, "Sir, there is a rumor going around the clubhouse that you made a deal with the Devil, himself, to become a truly great golfer. Is there any truth to that rumor?"

"Yes sir! It is true enough, it is," answered Thomas. “And it was a wise bargain on my part, for I just completed a nearly perfect round of golf, I did.”

"And is it also true that you gave up sex for the rest of your life as your part of the agreement?" asked O’Shea.

"Again your are right, sir. True again!" replied Thomas Flanagan.

"And may I get your name, sir, for my story?" asked the reporter.

"But of course. It’s Flanagan. Father Thomas Flanagan."

_____________________________________

An Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.

_____________________________________

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.

_____________________________________

A Blessing For You and Yours...

May the grace of God’s protection
And His great love abide
Within your home-within the hearts
Of all who dwell inside.

_____________________________________

Today's video is in YouTube's new widescreen HD format and features the remarkable Lisa Kelly with the equally remarkable Celtic Woman singing "May It Be."



More Celtic Woman
More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

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Is Dat Blonde Really Dat Dumb? - Video

Jessica, a gorgeous blonde, who was waiting for the bus at a crowded bus stop, wore some figure enhancing clothes like a bright red, tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and a high fashion leather jacket.

The bus arrived and it was Jessica’s turn to step aboard; however, she soon learned that her skirt was a little too tight. It did not allow her to lift her leg as high as the height of the bus’ first step.

Jessica grew a little embarrassed with her situation, but she flashed a short smile to the bus driver as she reached behind herself, unzipping her skirt a little. She thought that would release her skirt just enough to allow her to lift her leg up to the step.

But as Jessica once again tried to step onto the bus she soon learned that she still could not make that first step. By now everyone behind her in line to get onto the bus realized her situation, and there were a few muffled laughs, which only embarrassed Jessica even more.

Once again Jessica reached her arm behind her, unzipping her skirt just a little more. Once again she tried to raise her leg up to the step, and once again she was unable lift her leg high enough because of her tight skirt.

At this point most of the passengers on the bus realized what was delaying their trip, and they were actively talking about it. Some were shouting encouragement to Jessica. Naturally, she was getting very embarrassed with her situation.

She decided to give her skirt another go, so she again gave a little smile to the driver while she again reached her hand behind herself unzipping the tight red skirt just a little more. But three times were not the charm because she again could not reach that step.

At this point a large lumberjack type who was standing right behind her in line swiftly picked her up by the waist and gently placed her on the step she had tried so hard to reach.

By now Jessica was so embarrassed that she went ballistic, spun around to her would be Sir Lancelot and screamed at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

To which the lumberjack replied, "Well ma'am, I ordinarily would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

*****

This Blonde Ain’t so Dumb!

A very attractive blonde woman walks up to the bar in a quiet pub in the Irish countryside. She gestures alluringly to the barkeep, who quickly comes over to her.

When he arrives, she playfully tugs on his full, bushy beard bringing his face close to hers in the process. She starts to gently caress his beard, then she softly strokes his face with both of her hands asking, "Are you the manager?"

"Uh, actually, no, I‘m not," he replies.

"Well, honey, can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." While she speaks, she runs her hands up through his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid that I can't," breathlessly replies the bartender, who is getting excited about the possibilities. "Is there anything that I can do?"

"Yes there is,” she answers. “I want you to give him a message for me," she says as she slips two of her fingers into his mouth, allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies room."

*****

The game contestant in the following video is not blonde, but the woman he is with is. Perhaps it is a birds of a feather situation. The contestant's hair is gray, but it must have been blonde at one time cause smart he is not. Watch.



Obviously many members of the audience must also be blonde, because 56% of them believe that the sun orbits around the Earth.

What made this guy think he is smart enough to become a contestant on a game show? Perhaps he is the smartest one in his circle of friends, and they encouraged him to apply to be on the show.

"Well, Pierre is smart," they say. "He should go on Millionaire. He is sure to win big time."

Sorry, Pierre.









Ultimate Blonde Video - The Greatest Breasts in the World
Blonde Video Humor: Those Blondes Are at it Again
My Three Favorite Dumb Blonde Videos

If you think this is a funny blog, help promote my site by voting for me at humor-blogs.

A Bevy of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is time for another blend of Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. I believe that we have a few here that may just warm the cockles of your heart.

Let us begin with a St. Paddy's Day toast:

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!

*****

May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband (or wife).

*****

O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon.

He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing.

The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”

“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"

Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

*****

To Ireland:

Here's to the land of the shamrock so green,
Here's to each lad and his darlin' colleen,
Here's to the ones we love dearest and most.
May God bless old Ireland, that's this Irishman's toast!

*****

To Luck:

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish...
You’re lucky enough!

*****

Mrs. Fogarty was sitting on a sofa during the wake of her departed husband, Fogarty, to whom she had been married for 46 years.

Mrs. McGraw, one of her close neighbors, was trying to console Mrs. Fogarty by asking her, “46 years of marriage is remarkable my dear. You and Fogarty, himself, must have been very happy to stay together so long.”

To which Mrs. Fogarty replied, “For twenty three years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world. Then we met.”

*****

To Friendship:

May the lilt of Irish laughter
lighten every load.
May the mist of Irish magic
shorten every road...
And may all your friends remember
all the favors you are owed!

*****

An Irish Curse:

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

*****

Old man Gallagher is lying on his deathbed after a vigorous life of 89 years. Gathered around him are his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, who are all saddened and teary-eyed at the nearing finale of Gallagher’s very long and productive life.

The weakened old man is in a deep coma, and old Doc O’Brien has said that the waiting should be over in less than twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, Gallagher opens his eyes, awakening from his coma, and remarks, "I must be in heaven already! I smell grandmother's potato cakes!"

"No, grandfather,” says young Sean, a grandson. “You are not in heaven yet. Grandmother is baking home made bread and potato cakes right now as we speak."

The dying Gallagher says, "Sean, could you please fulfill my last dying request. This will be the last time that I taste one of grandmother’s famously delicious potato cakes.”

“Would you please go down and get me just a small piece?" the old man asks with what is left of his rapidly declining breath.

Sean immediately dispatches young Michael, one of Gallagher’s great grandchildren, to fulfill the old man's last request.

After quite a long time, young Michael returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your great grandmother's delicious potato cakes, Michael?" the dying old man asks.

"I'm very sorry great grandfather,” young Michael sheepishly replies. “But she says it's for the funeral."

*****

Our video today is the Irish tune "Lassie," and is sung by the Irish Tenors. If you have not seen the Tenors perform, you are in for a treat.



More Irish Humor

Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings Once Again

It is time for more Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. Here are my latest:

Ballerina

A large obnoxious woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walks into McCafferty‘s Pub and eyes the patrons drinking at the bar. Raising her right arm and revealing a huge, hairy armpit, she points to all the people sitting on bar stools and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar is struck silent as each patron tries his best to ignore her. However, down at the end of the bar, old Colin Collins, drunk as could be, slams his money down on the bar bellowing, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

McCafferty, the bartender, pours the lady a pint of Guinness and she downs the entire drink immediately. Turning again to the pub’s patrons, she again points at all of them with a sweep of her immense arm, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

And again, old Colin slaps his money down upon the bar, saying: “Give the ballerina another drink!”

McCafferty approaches Colin asking “Colin, my old friend, it is your business if you want to buy this woman a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”

Old Colin, in his drunken stupor, replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!”

*****

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.

*****

May we be alive at the same time next year.

*****

Devotion to Your Lover

Timothy O’Sullivan and Michael O’Connor were out hacking at the fairways one beautiful Spring day.

Just as Timothy was about to chip onto the 9th green, he spied a long funeral procession parading down the road adjacent to the golf course.

Timothy halted his swing, removed his cap, and bowed his head reverently in prayer.

Upon seeing his friend responding so fervently to the funeral procession Michael said, “Timmy, I am amazed at ye. That is one of the most remarkably touching things I have ever seen ye do. Ye are truly kind and a man of God, ye are.”

To which Timothy replied, “Well, ye know, it’s the least I can do. We were married 35 years, we were.”

*****

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.

*****

A true Irishman won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast.

*****

Modern Medicine

Old Thomas O'Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.

However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.

Said Dr. Flynn, "I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”

“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”

Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.

But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.

After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.

While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.

As he strode past a men's clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”

After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”

After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”

Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”

“It's my job,” replied the salesman.

Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?"

Thomas responded, “Why not?”

Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”

“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”

“It's my job,” said the salesman.

As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”

Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”

Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”

Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”

“It's my job,” responded the salesman.

Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”

Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”

As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”

This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”

But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.”

*****

An Irishman believes that to forgive is divine, and therefore doesn't exercise it himself.

*****

Here's to you, as good as you are.
Here's to me as bad as I am.
As good as you are and as bad as I am,
I'm as good as you are, as bad as I am.

The video below is Celtic Woman singing "Over the Rainbow."



More Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings

A Plethora of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

Once again we have the pleasure of posting some funny Irish drinking stories, some heart warming Irish blessings and insightful Irish proverbs:

Poor Mrs. Molly McGuire entered the local newspaper establishment to pay for the obituary for her dear departed husband, Peter.

Said the kindly newspaperman the charge was a dollar a word and he remembered Peter and wasn't it too bad about him passing away though.

Molly thanked him for his kind words, but bemoaned the fact that she had but two dollars to her name. So she wrote out the obituary, "Peter died."

The newspaperman said he thought that old Peter deserved a mite more than that, and, yes, he would give her three more words at no extra charge.

Mrs. Molly thanked him for his generosity during her time of need and rewrote the obituary: "Peter died. Boat for sale."

*****

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

*****

A constable pulls up two Irish drunks, then says to the first one, "Okay then, Seamus. What's your name and address?"

The first drunk replies, "My name isn’t Seamus. I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address, thank you very much."

The constable turns his attention to the second drunk and asks, "Okay then, Seamus. It’s your turn, What is your name and address?"

The second drunk replies, "My name isn’t Seamus either. I'm Sean O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

*****

May the love and protection
Saint Patrick can give
Be yours in abundance
As long as you live.

*****

How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

*****

What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure for.

*****

A solicitor was questioning his new client, "Well, Mrs. O'Hara, it’s a divorce you want, is it? So tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no!" exclaimed the Missus. " We have no grudge. Sure enough now, it’s a carport we have, it is."

So the solicitor tried again. "Well now, does the man beat you up, does he?"

"Oh, land sakes no!" said Mrs. O'Hara, looking somewhat puzzled. "Oi'm always the first one out of bed, I am."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Well now, he does play the flute, he does. But I don't think he knows a thing about the connubial,” answered the Missus.

The solicitor was getting desperate, but he pushed on nonetheless. "What I'm trying to find out, Mrs. O’Hara, is what grounds do you have."

"Bless you, sir. But, we live in a flat, to be sure. There’s not even a window box, let alone grounds, sir."

"Mrs. O'Hara," the solicitor said in a state of considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man cannot hold an intelligent conversation."

*****

A remarkable gift to the world is Irish culture as presented by Celtic Woman. Here is a video of The Last Rose of Summer.



More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

Another Group of Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings

Here are another group of Irish drinking stories, proverbs and blessings:

A grumpy old curmudgeon of a man enters the parish office of the Holy Rosary Catholic Church, immediately spots the office secretary and says to her, "I want to join this damn church."

“I beg your pardon, sir,” the astonished secretary replies. “I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I'm very sorry sir, but vile language is not tolerated at the Holy Rosary Church.”

The secretary leaves her desk to find the pastor. In the pastor's study she informs Father O’Reilly of her foul mouthed visitor. The pastor agrees that the secretary should not have to listen to such foul language.

They both return to front office and Father O’Reilly asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem!” the curmudgeon says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery, and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” says the priest. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

*****

O’Shaughnessy himself and his wife, Elizabeth, had four boys. The older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, which are all typical Irish traits, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

O’Shaughnessy became so seriously ill that he knew he wasn’t long for this world. As he was lying on his deathbed, he asked his wife, “Honey, before I die, you must be totally honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?"

Elizabeth replied, "I swear on the Blarney stone and everything that's holy that he is your son.”

Satisfied, at that moment O’Shaughnessy passed away.

Elizabeth then muttered, “Thank the Lord he didn't ask about the other three.”

*****

Sean and his wife, Patty, wake up in the middle of the night to a pounding on their front door. Sean rushes downstairs to see what the ruckus is about.

He opens his door to a drunk, who is soaking wet from the rain asking him for a push.

"Are you kidding?” Says Sean. “It is 3AM, go away!”

Sean slams the door heading back upstairs to go back to bed. Once he is there, his wife asks him what happened and he explains to her about the drunk.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Sean O‘Brien!” Patty replies. “Don't you remember when we were stuck out in the rain in the middle of the night and we needed help. If those nice neighbors hadn't helped us we would have spent the night in our car. Now, you go out there and give that poor man a push.”

Sean gets dressed for the weather, heading downstairs to help the poor drunk. As he walks outside he calls into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there? Do you still need a push?”

The drunk calls back “Yes, thank you so much, I do.”

“Where are you?” asks Sean.

“Over, here on the porch swing.”

*****

And another Irish Blessing:

May your heart be light and happy
May your smile be big and wide
And may your pockets always have
A tinkle of gold inside.

More Irish drinking stories and blessings