Even More of the Funniest Elliot Spitzer Jokes - Videos - Cartoons

Yet even more of the best of the Elliot Spitzer jokes. In case you hide your head in the sand, Elliot Spitzer was the governor of New York until the FBI recently caught him in a prostitution sting operation.

Because there are so many good jokes to choose from, we are adding an unprecedented third post in a row on the foibles of one Elliot Spitzer, that lucky guy.


This from Jay Leno:

"According to the FBI wiretap, they had the transcript, Gov. Spitzer was listed as Client No.9. No. 9? He's the governor, who were the eight guys in front of him? You'd think as governor, you'd at least get to go first."

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David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises at Elliot Spitzer's resignation:

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Also from David Letterman:

"In their investigation of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, law enforcement officials found that the Emperors Club escort service called Spitzer by the code name 'Client 9.' But according to the escorts who actually slept with him, he's more of a 'Client 4 1/2,' if you know what I'm saying."

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From Comedy Central and Jon Stewart and the Daily Show:



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More of the Funniest Elliot Spitzer Jokes - Videos - Cartoons

It's more of the best of the Elliot Spitzer jokes. In case you live on Jupiter, Elliot Spitzer was the governor of New York until he was recently caught in an FBI prostitution sting.

Our only problem is that there are so many good jokes to choose from. We consider that a challenge, so here are a few more Elliot Spitzer gems.

Aah! The Pretty Woman! A less than classic tale of a prostitute and a money monger with hearts of gold, which is a highly unlikely scenario. As I recall, Richard Gere and Julia Roberts live happily ever after in the movie, which, unfortunately for our Mr. Spitzer, is less than likely.

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This from Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert:

"I sat next to the guy three times and I didn't pick up on any of this, and I usually have excellent whore-dar."

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From Comedy Central's the Daily Show:

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There is so much truth to this cartoon. How many jokes do you hear about OJ Simpson or Paris Hilton right now? Not too many. Elliot Spitzer will fade into obscurity just like so many others once a new public patsy comes along.

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And you cannot have a proper representation of humor without the remarkably funny David Letterman. Here is a video of one of his recent monologues about the Elliot Spitzer affair:



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The Funniest Elliot Spitzer Jokes - Videos - Cartoons - Funny Photos

New York's former governor, Elliot Spitzer, is the butt of countless new jokes. Here are a few of the better ones:

Jay Leno:

"Eliot Spitzer admitted publicly that he was involved in a prostitution ring, which means Hillary Clinton is now only the second angriest wife in the state of New York."

Speaking of angry wives, how about the body language on Silda Spitzer, the ex-governor's wife of the moment, in the photo below. In this case, one picture is worth at least 10,000 words:

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Here is more along the angry wife line of thought from the Arkansas Democrat Gazette:

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From New York comedienne Lisa Landry:

"It's just mind-blowing that he spent $4,300 on a hooker. It just shows how high the cost of living is in New York. That same hooker would cost $50 in Newark."

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David Letterman is probably my favorite comedian. Here is one of his recent monologues, which devotes almost the entire monologue to Elliot Spitzer:

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From Conan O'Brien:

"Gov. Spitzer responded just a few hours ago. He said, 'I violated my obligations to my family and I violated my sense of what is right and wrong.' Spitzer also admitted violating someone named Amber."

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Here is another one about body language from Daryl Cagle at MSNBC.com:

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From Comedy Central and the Daily Show:



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Paris Hilton, David Letterman September 28, 2007

You asked for it, so here it is - Paris Hilton on the Late Show with David Letterman on September 28, 2007.

There is a lot of talk on other blogs, especially blogs specializing in Hollywood personalities, that David "grilled" Paris about her prison stay.

That talk is nonsense. If Paris expected not to be asked about her prison stay, she had unrealistic expectations.

David did ask about it repeatedly, but it was a cordial conversation. You can see for yourself right here.




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More Irish Drinking Stories, David Letterman, Jay Leno

Here is another Irish drinking story along with a few more gems from Jay Leno and David Letterman:

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The ambiance was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food quite exceptional.

"Ye'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow we have a bar named McTavish's. There, the barman goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th for you on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local pub, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Oh, that's nuthin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin we have Driscoll's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you one drink, then another, and all the drinks you like, in fact. Then, once you've finally had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see to it that you get laid. All on the house."

"And," replied the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Well, not me me'self, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

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From Jay Leno:

Columnist Liz Smith reported that the Hillary Clinton campaign has asked Paris Hilton to campaign for her. Everyone wanted to know who asked Paris. Of course, it was Bill.

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From David Letterman:

Jenna Bush is getting married, and it is going to be an expensive wedding. George is awarding the $3 billion contract to Halliburton.

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You know about the military surge in Iraq. Well, Senator Larry Craig said, I am feeling a surge of my own.

And Letterman again:

Rosie O’Donnell has a new book out. There are three chapters about Bush. Then there is one about the president.

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Lindsay Lohan Meets George Bush

Here are a couple more LIndsay Lohan gems and one about President Bush:

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for a DWI and felony possession of cocaine.

Your move Paris.

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Lindsay Lohan has said she didn't do it and proclaimed her innocence.

Finally! An oscar worthy performance.

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It has been a tough week for George Bush. He's facing Senate hearings, congressional investigations, a colonoscopy. It is just one probe after another.

- Thanks again to David Letterman

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Humorous Quotes 3

Here are some more humorous quotes:

David Letterman: "Harry Potter got arrested on the subway for showing off his wand."

Amy Poehler - Saturday Night Live: "Barak Obama made an appearance in New Hampshire over the weekend. To which, President Bush replied, 'Did we catch him?'"

David Letterman: "Osama Bin Laden came out with an other video. It was full of insults, maniacal threats and rants...no wait a minute. That was Rosie's blog."

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Stop In for a Short One

Just stopped in for a short one? Here's an Irish tourist joke:

A Swiss tourist was vacationing in Dublin and needed directions. While outside McCafferty’s Pub, he stopped two Irish lads walking by and asked, “ntschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?”

The two lads looked at each other puzzled and only stared back at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?” he offered.

Again, the two lads just stared.

“Parlare Italiano?” But the two lads gave no response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” The Dublin lads once again remained silent.

The tourist walked away extremely disappointed that he had not been understood. One of the boys turned to the second and said, “Maybe we should learn a foreign language!”

“Why?” said the other youth. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!”

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Here's a David Letterman short one:

TOP TEN: Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Secretary.
#6. Wears inappropriately short skirts, no matter how many times you tell him not to.

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Paris Hilton Graffiti Again

Did you know one of David Letterman's recent top ten reasons why Paris Hilton was not doing well in prison? She was suffering from insomnia because she’s not used to sleeping in the same bed every night.

Well, I guess that this little excerpt of graffiti pretty much confirms that.

Paris seems to get around, doesn't she? But at least she was sleeping back when this graffiti was written. The prison scuttlebutt has it that she hasn't been doing a lot of that since she's been confined to the slammer.

The grapevine also hinted that she would not eat and would not even go to the toilet because she was afraid that one of the guards would photograph her on the john and sell the photo to the tabloids.

Come to think of it, those tabloids probably would pay for a photo like that. Quite a society we have, where you cannot even go to the toilet for fear a photo of the act will end up in the media.

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Paris Hilton Better Off in Jail?

If you haven't heard by now, it's history. Paris Hilton is back in jail.

Talk about injustice! Can anyone possibly believe that our favorite Parisian deserves to be back in the cooler? Of course not! Here is a photo of Paris' estate in Bel-Air, California. Just look at that dump.

How could any judge possibly believe that living there for 40 days and 40 nights is anything but torture?

If you are late to the party, the LA County Sheriff had decided that being confined to this Bel-Air hell hole would be sufficient punishment for Paris Hilton's transgressions against society. And he was so right.

Can you imagine lying in bed in your second floor master bedroom and you suddenly have a yen for a bottle of Perrier? You would have to walk down an entire flight of stairs to the kitchen just to quench your thirst. What a shocking way to live!

All Parisites (Paris Hilton supporters) should understand that our favorite Parisian is so much better off residing in the county cooler. It is cruel and inhuman punishment to expect anyone to suffer through the indignities of living in Bel-Air.

Now, at least, Paris will have an on-site staff to cater to her every need, which is the way it should be. Paris is just too special to be forced into any lifestyle that does not include a staff to lock her cell door after her.

Actually, all of the to-do about Paris Hilton's latest exploits is an excellent boon to the nation's economy. Look at all of the employment she is creating. You have scores of reporters covering her every move. Look at all of the paparazzi gathered outside Paris' estate in the photo above. Without Paris these people would be out of work.

Paris has also created extra jobs at the David Letterman and Jay Leno shows. Both shows have been hiring additional comedy writers because the current staff simply cannot write jokes fast enough. They need more writers just to keep up with the demand for the jokes.

And people around the world are beginning to make fun of the Los Angeles justice system, which Jimmy Kimmel was quick to defend. Said Jimmy, "I don’t see any other city throwing Paris Hilton in jail."

Now that Paris is back in jail, we can return to making fun of how poorly she was doing while in the slammer. Here is a video of David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why Paris isn't doing so well in Prison:



10. Suffering from insomnia because she’s not used to sleeping in the same bed every night.

9. Too depressed to participate in prison riots

8. Desperate for intimacy, she made a boyfriend out of a stuffed laundry bag.

7. She's ballooned to 93 pounds.

6. Only time she said, "That's hot!" was during delousing.

5. Knitted a tea cozy from rat fur (sorry — that joke was left over from an old Martha Stewart list)

4. Only call she received was from Eddie Brill asking for her out cue.

3. Was overheard muttering something about voting for Kucinich.

2. Started a pen pal romance with Phil Spector.

1. At last night's conjugal she seemed distant.

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Paris Hilton In Jail Photo?

Is this the first photo of Paris Hilton in her jail cell?

No, this is merely an artist's rendition of what Paris might look like in her new surroundings.

But if there is any truth to what was reported at tmz.com, Paris does not look so smug right now.

Tmz.com is reporting that "Paris is scared," and that she "has been crying on the phone, saying she's not sleeping or eating."

Paris reportedly has said that her cell is "freezing cold." She has three small blankets and no pillow, and she is using one of the blankets as a pillow.

CBS news is reporting that LA authorities whizzed Paris through her enrollment process in one hour, as opposed to the 24 hours it normally takes, while a bail bondsman reported that some of the other inmates were taunting Paris for the special treatment she was receiving.

David Letterman said that Paris is surrounded by drug dealers and sexual predators, which is pretty much just like she is on the outside.

Letterman also said that they are already making a movie about Paris in Jail. It's called the "Bird brain of Alcatraz."

CBS news is also reporting that Pairs did not have to go through the strip search or the cavity search. She did not have to "spread 'em."

But, isn't that where her talents lie? Isn't that just like the government? They put you in jail and then don't let you use your God given abilities.

Letterman said the only time she's said "That's hot!" is during the strip search.

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On Paris Hilton, David Letterman and Bill Murray

David Letterman came up with an absolute gem the other night when he was talking about Paris Hilton. Here is David on Paris:

“Paris Hilton has taken to reading the bible to help her through her upcoming jail sentence. But, she admittedly is no expert on the bible. She thought Deuteronomy meant having an operation to remove your deuter.”

Paris will soon be more fodder for the talk shows when June 5th arrives. That is the date that she is scheduled to report to the slammer for 45 days because she was caught driving after her drivers license had been suspended.

Prepare yourself for some very clever quips from some of the professional quipsters out there. It has been so rare for celebrities to get convicted and sentenced these days, that it is truly hard to believe that one of the self-promoters is actually going to get punished for exhibiting anti-social behavior.

It would not surprise me if something happens to prevent Paris from actually going to jail. Some judge will issue a stay or the Governator will give her a pardon.

It was recently reported that she was seen buying a bible and a self-help manual. It is hard to believe that Paris has suddenly gotten religion, and some believe that it is merely a ploy to convince a judge that she has changed her ways.

Bill Murray was quoted once regarding money and fame. Bill said:

“To people who want to be rich and famous, I'd say, ‘Get rich first and see if that doesn't cover it.’”

Well, Paris was obviously very rich before she became a celebrity, and obviously that didn’t cover it for her. How many people even knew who she was before her infamous x-rated video showed up on the Internet?

She didn’t just want to be famous, she wanted to be famous and desired by men everywhere.

Others believe that Paris’ upcoming jail sentence is merely a publicity gimmick. Her publicists have been very good at getting her name out there in front of the public eye. Did you know that Paris is 26 years old and already has an autobiography entitled “Confessions of an Heiress?”

Paris’ jail sentence may be a real consequence to a young woman’s overindulgence in herself or it may be only a publicity stunt designed for self-promotion. But Paris has managed to get the whole planet talking about her once again.

What does that tell you?

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Paris Hilton Jokes

Paris Hilton:

In case you haven’t heard, a Los Angeles County judge has sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license.

How will Paris Hilton mentally prepare for her upcoming jail term?

Here’s a guess:

“Well, 45 days isn’t so bad. That’s not even a month.”

--Thanks to David Letterman

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Queen of England Jokes

Queen of England:

The Queen of England is visiting the United States this week. You know, she hasn’t been to America since 1991.

But she hasn’t missed much because nothing much has changed since then.

Back then a President Bush had us involved in a war in Iraq.

--Thanks to David Letterman


Since the Queen of England made a visit to the White House, President Bush arranged to honor her with a 21 gun salute.

Well, 22, really, if you count Vice President Cheney.

--Thanks to Jay Leno

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David Letterman, Bill Clinton and Ann Coulter

David Letterman lets Ann Coulter have it. Love her or hate her, this is pretty good stuff by Letterman:



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From David Letterman

David Letterman's thoughts on the daylight savings law requiring you to set your clocks ahead:

“You know, you lose an hour forever--an hour that you never get back. It’s like watching The View.”


Letterman about Spring Fever:

"It was so nice in New York today, that the rats at Taco Bell called in sick."