Thursday, December 6, 2007

Alcoholic Elephants on the Rampage

This Sri Lankan elephant definitely appears to be ticked, as you can plainly see as he takes out his anger on this mini-bus. Sadly, elephants on the rampage like this are becoming a rather common phenomenon in Asia.

The situation plays something like this: Man encroaches on traditional pachyderm territory, so the elephants move further into the jungle to avoid contact with man. Well, you can hardly blame them for that, now can you?

The problem is that man has been encroaching on an ever increasing basis, and the elephants have fewer and fewer viable areas to retreat to.

But what has been setting the elephants off on rampages like the one in the following video is a combination of dwindling food supplies and plentiful rice beer. Farmers make huge batches of rice beer for personal consumption and for sale. As elephants venture into a village in search of food, they may happen upon a farmer’s rice beer still.

The elephants end up with too much of a good thing after chugging down the home brewed beer. Then, like some homo sapiens, they get mean and ornery once they are drunk. The result is what you see in the photo and the video.

Villagers all over Asia are concerned about the problem and have even tried to bring in outside animal experts to help them address the issue.

One of the experts has been Paris Hilton, who has not hesitated to express her opinion on the matter. To clarify matters for you, Paris knows nothing about elephants, but she does know quite a lot about imbibing to excess and is definitely an expert on that subject.

The media have been anxiously awaiting what remarkable words of wisdom Paris will utter to help all of Asia solve this tricky dilemma. So, Paris, what do we do with these alcoholic elephants?

“We need to stop making alcohol available to them,” said the 26-year-old starlet.

Wow! That is so simple it is profound. Obviously, no one else ever thought of that! Of course, it may take a while to locate a bouncer who is able to eighty six one of these husky fellas from any drinking establishment, let alone a homemade still. But we’ll advertise the position on Craig’s List to find the right job candidates.

From a more practical standpoint, what really needs to happen is to get those beer swigging pachyderms into rehab. Now this is a subject that Paris knows well. The plan would be to recruit Paris, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to counsel these wayward beasts prevailing upon them to change their decadent ways and rehabilitate themselves into munificent members of jungle society.

Paris, LL and BS must convince the brutes that they owe it to society to become positive influences for social change.

Our three musketeers could set up an academy for wayward elephants in Asia in a manner similar to what Oprah Winfrey has done for gifted young girls in South Africa. This modern day celebrity version of Larry, Moe and Curly could get the elephants on a 12-step program that would revolutionize Asian jungle law.

No more elephant rampages in the night and no more swilling beer till all hours. The problem is almost solved already. And to think we owe all of this progress on the issue to our dear Paris.

When we first saw her Internet porn video way back when, we just knew that girl was meant for greatness.

More animal humor
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Anonymous said...

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Alcohol Abuse