Funny Dumb Blonde

Today we have more dumb blonde jokes:

War Strategy

President George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice are sitting in a bar.

A customer enters the bar and asks the bartender, "Isn't that George Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?"

The bartender replies, "Yes, sir, it sure is."

So the newcomer walks over to the pair, saying, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you two doing in here?"

Bush answers, "We're planning World War III."

And the customer asks, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush replies, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big breasts."

The customer exclaims, "A blonde with big breasts?" "Why would you kill a blonde with big breasts?"

Bush turns to Rice, saying, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

*****

Blonde in First Class

A commercial airplane is en route to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

A flight attendant sees her switch seats, so she politely informs the woman that she must return to economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful. I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

Repeated attempts by the flight attendant prove unsuccessful at convincing the blonde to move. The attendant enters the cockpit to inform the pilot and co-pilot about the situation.

The co-pilot goes to first class to talk to the woman and also explains why she must move. Once again the woman replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful. I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After returning to the cockpit the co-pilot suggests that they should have the police arrest the woman when they land.

The pilot replies, "Wait a minute! You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I speak blonde fluently."

The pilot leaves the cockpit going back to the blonde illegally sitting in first class and whispers quietly into her ear.

She says, "Oh, no! I'm sorry." Then she quickly and quietly returns to her seat in the economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

The pilot replies, "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

*****

One Blonde To Another

A blonde was having major financial difficulties, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park and grabbed a small boy taking him behind a tree. Then she wrote the following note: "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.”

“Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the old oak tree in the park at 7 AM sharp." It was signed, "The Blonde."

The blonde pinned the note inside the lad’s jacket and then told him to go straight home.

The very next morning, the blonde returned to the park at exactly 7:01 AM. She found the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the old oak tree, exactly as she had instructed.

Inside the bag she found the following note: "Here is your money, but I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

*****

And, of course, we couldn't quit without a blonde video:



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Yet a Few More Irish Drinking Stories

There is nothing that will make you so popular as re-telling some of our Irish drinking stories:

Father O’Malley, an Irish priest, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”

The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."

*****

As an Irish priest is driving into New York, he is stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then spies an empty wine bottle on the floor in the front seat of the car.

The trooper says, "Tell me, Father, have you been drinking?"

"Just a bit ‘o water," says the priest.

The trooper replies, "If that is true, then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

*****

Fogarty walked into a barroom, sat down at the bar and began ordering martini after martini. With each drink he would remove the olives and place them in a jar. Not until the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks were fully drunk, did the Irishman rise to leave.

"Excuse me," said the bartender, who was puzzled over what Fogarty had done. "Whatever was that all about?"

"Oh, nothing," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

*****

An Old Irish Blessing:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

More Irish Drinking Stories

Irish Drinking Stories Again

Once again you have the privilege of being treated to some famous Irish Drinking Stories. No Irish pub is worth anything without a re-tellin' of these famous Irish tales.

****

O’Malley went into McCafferty’s Pub and ordered three pints at one time. The bartender asks O’Malley, “Now, tell me O’Malley, why would you be needin’ three pints all at the same time?”

O’Malley explained that each of his brothers just emigrated overseas, one to Australia and the other to America. “As long as each brother lives,” O’Malley says, “I am going to be buyin’ three at a time, one for me and one for each of my brothers.”

So, each time that O’Malley came into McCafferty’s, he would order three pints at the same time.

This went on for years, until one day, O’Malley pulled himself up onto a barstool at McCafferty’s and ordered only two pints.

“Oh, no,” says the bartender. “Which of your brothers passed on? The one in Australia or the one in America?”

“Oh, it’s not that,” says O’Malley. “Both me brothers are just fine. Me doctor’s makin’ me give up the drink.”

****

A passer-by watched as two Irishmen were working in a park--One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

“Tell me,” said the passer-by, “What on earth are you two doing?”

“Well,” said the digger, “Usually, there are three of us. I dig, O’Hara plants the tree and Sean here fills in the hole.”

“Today, O’Hara is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, now does it?”

****

Irish Blessing:

If you're lucky enough to be Irish...
You're lucky enough.

More Irish Drinking Stories...

Alligator and Blonde Bar Joke

A guy goes into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He hoists his alligator up on the bar, turns to the bar’s patrons and says, "Ladies and gents, let me make you an offer. I will open this alligator's mouth and put my private parts inside. Then gator here will close his mouth for one minute. After that, he will open his mouth, and I will remove myself unscathed."

"And in return for being such a daredevil, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmurs its approval.

The man stands up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his unit in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth and a loud gasp emerges from the crowd.

After one minute, the man, grabbing a beer bottle, raps the gator hard on the top of it's head. The alligator opens his mouth, after which the man removes himself completely unscathed as promised. The crowd cheers and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

The man stands up once again making another offer, "I will pay $100 to anyone who is willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. After a short pause, a hand rises up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly says, "I'll try it, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle to get me to open my mouth."

--Thanks to http://www.kaitaia.com/

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