Saturday, December 1, 2007

Another Gaggle of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is time again for another gaggle of Irish drinking stories, proverbs and blessings:

Even a tin knocker will shine on a dirty door.

*****
Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.

Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.

They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

*****
The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.

*****

Note for the following story: a budgie is an English colloquialism for parakeet or bird.

Flanagan entered a pet shop and asked how many budgies (parakeets) were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner.

"Give us the lot" said Flanagan, who bought all of the birds.

He next went to the tailor’s and had his tailor sew 99 pockets into his jacket. Next, he put a budgie in each pocket, climbed to the top of the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

After hitting the ground with an enormous smack, he lay there groaning. Eventually, a passer-by stopped and asked him what had happened.

"I don't know sir," replied Flanagan. "But that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

*****
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas

*****
One day Mrs. O'Rourke felt rather sickly so she went to the doctor for a look at (an old Irish expression).

After examining her the doctor said, "Well now, Mrs. O'Rourke, I'm perplexed about your condition. However, if you bring me a urine specimen in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."

Mrs. O'Rourke went home and asked her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning, but I don't know what a urine specimen is. What am I to do?"

Mr. O'Rourke replied, "I don't know. But I think you should go see Mrs. O'Toole. She'll know what to do."

So, Mrs. O'Rourke walked down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's home. But she returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, an eye blackened, with bruises all over her body, and with her hair tangled as if it were a bird’s nest.

Shocked, Mr. O'Rourke gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen was.”

“She said 'Go P*ss in a bottle, woman.’”

“So, I said 'Go sh*t in yer hat !’”

“And the fight was on."
*****
May you have…
A song in your heart
A smile on your lips
And nothing but joy
At your finger tips.

*****
If you put a silk dress on a goat he is a goat still.

*****
If you have not seen Riverdance, the Irish dance phenomenon that has taken over the globe, you are missing out. Give a look at this video:



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2 comments:

Diesel said...

I thought Riverdance took over the world like 10 years ago and now we're pretty much done with them?

McCafferty Himself said...

I believe that it was more than 10 years ago, which just demonstrates the power of the Internet.

There is an entire generation that was under five years old back then, and they know nothing about Riverdance.

Next year there will be another group of kids...and the year after that and the year after that.

50 years from now when you are either in a nursing home or dead and buried, kids will be reading 50-year-old posts from Mattress Police, saying, "Wow! That Diesel guy was some cool dude! Where can I buy his book?"

Whether you like it or not, you are now immortal.