More Redneck Jokes

Here are some more redneck jokes. Most have been around for awhile, but some are new to me. If you haven't heard them before, they can still be funny.

You might be a redneck if:

Your uncle’s return mailing address is the Department of Corrections.

Your wife refuses a window seat on the airplane because she just got her hair done.

You kept that fire you had in your bathroom from spreading to the house.

You buy your sushi at the corner bait store.

You think the first day of deer hunting season is a religious holiday.

You think “coke” is brown, wet and served with ice.

You think your son has a new girl friend because he's trying to score some “mary jane.”

You “shop” for golf balls at the driving range at midnight.

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Britney Spears Road Sign Humor

Signs like this are the price of being famous.

Evolution of Dance Video

The chances are pretty good you have already seen this one because it has been viewed a zillion times on YouTube. But it is worth seeing again and again. I can't get enough of it. This guy is talented.



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David Letterman, Bill Clinton and Ann Coulter

David Letterman lets Ann Coulter have it. Love her or hate her, this is pretty good stuff by Letterman:



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Redneck Graffiti

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Bar Room Humor

An extremely shy man is sitting in a bar having a drink, when he sees a very beautiful woman sitting across the bar. After what seems like an eternity, he finally gathers up enough courage to approach her, goes over to her table and asks, "Uh…er…would you mind very much if I…uh…sat down and talked to you for awhile?"

She replies, yelling loudly, "No, I won’t sleep with you? Are you nuts?"

Now, the whole bar turns quiet, and everyone is staring at him. He melts to the floor and oozes back to his corner of the bar.

A few minutes later, the same woman walks over to his end of the bar and apologizes. Smiling at him, she says, "I’m sorry for embarrassing you, but I’m a psychology student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he replies, yelling quite loudly, "What?…$200! What do you mean? $200!"

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Painting Mona Lisa by the Numbers

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Grandchildren humor is the best humor

My adorable little grandson surprised me, his grandmother, early one morning with a cup of piping hot coffee. He had brewed it himself, and he was so very proud of his creation. So, naturally, he anxiously awaited my verdict on its quality.

It had to be one of the worst cups of coffee I had ever had in my life. However, I was determined not to let him know that and I forced myself to drink it completely, smiling as I drank. At the last sip I noticed two of those tiny green army men lying in the bottom of the cup.

I asked him, "Honey, why would there be these small, green army men in the bottom of my cup?"

My grandson answered, "You know, grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’"

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Redneck Heaven Video

Redneckin' don't git any better 'n dis.



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Origin of Flamethrowers

The very existence of flamethrowers is proof that at some time or another, somewhere, somebody said to himself, "You know, I really want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

--Thanks to George Carlin

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Redneck Pig

City Slicker, Jim Bob stopped in to see his cousin, Billy Ray, whom he hadn’t seen for a couple of years. As he drove in to the farmyard, Jim Bob couldn’t help but notice a three legged pig running around in the farmyard.

After a little small talk, Jim Bob finally had to ask Billy Ray about the three legged pig.

"Wal, dat dere is the best dern pig I ever had," said Billy Ray. "He helps round up all of the cows without any help, and he comes and fetches me right away if any of the horses get out of the corral."

Jim Bob was impressed.

"Not only that," said Billy Ray. "He came and woke me up one night when the barn started on fire. That pig, wakin’ me like that, saved me losin’ a bunch of my stock and saved me a whole lot ‘o money. Wal, I coulda lost the whole barn."

Again, Jim Bob was impressed.

"But, the best thing he ever did was save the life of my two-year-old son, Linus. Linus wandered out onto the highway over yonder just when a big semi was steamin’ down the road. That pig ran out into the highway and dragged young Linus back to the side of the road kickin' 'n screamin'. That semi would have hit and killed Linus, as sure as I’m standin’ here."

"Well, Billy Ray, that’s just remarkable, that a pig could do that," said Jim Bob. "But, why does it have only three legs?"

"Wal," said Billy Ray. "When ya’ have a terrific pig like that, ya’ don’t want to eat it all at once."

Copyright 2007. Seamus McCafferty. All rights reserved.

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Redneck Chainsaw

A redneck goes into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that can cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends a top of the line model, and the redneck, who is very impressed, buys it.

He returns it to the store the next day, saying, "this chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took the whole damn day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what's wrong. The redneck looks puzzled and says, "Hey, what the heck is that noise?"

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Psychic Sneeze

A good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line.

I knew a psychic who once said "God Bless you."

I said, "I didn't sneeze."

She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually."

And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

--Thanks to Ellen Degeneres

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Smart Push-ups

A recently released study has determined that exercise makes you smarter. Can you imagine what President George W. Bush would be like if he didn’t work out?

--Thanks to Jay Leno

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Redneck Elevator

A redneck family from rural Alabama was shopping at a mall in the big city. It was their first time in a mall, so they were experiencing culture shock big time. The father and son decided to stroll around as the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but two shiny, silver walls that would silently move apart and then slide back together again especially caught their attention.

The boy asked, "Pa, What's 'dat?"

Pa (who had never seen an elevator) replied, "I Dunno, son. I ain't never seen nuttin’ like 'dat in my whole dang life. I ain't got no idea'r what it 'tis."

Then, while the two stared in amazement, an enormously overweight, frumpy, older lady waddled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. Once the walls opened, she waddled between them into a tiny room. After the walls closed again, the two watched the little numbers above the walls light up in sequence. They watched as the top number finally lit up. Then, they watched, as the small lights began to work their way back down.

When the walls opened again, out stepped a beautiful, curvy, 20-year-old blonde in a tight fitting, skimpy, little dress.

Quietly, still watching the gorgeous young woman, the Pa said to his son, "Boy . . . go . . . git . . . yo . . . Momma."

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Pilots vs Mechanics

This is one that I first heard about 15 years ago. I forgot about it and have seen it surface in different versions since then. The other versions list the Air Force and several different airlines, but the first time I heard it, Northwest Airlines mechanics and pilots were the crews involved. I thought I would resurrect it here:

Here are what some swear are copies of actual maintenance complaints submitted by Northwest Airlines pilots on planes they flew and the replies from the mechanics crews who were responsible for maintaining the airplanes:

Complaint: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Mechanic’s solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Complaint: "Test flight OK, except autopilot very rough."
Mechanic’s solution: "Autopilot not installed on this aircraft."

Complaint: "The autopilot doesn't."
Mechanic’s solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Complaint: "Something loose in cockpit."
Mechanic’s solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Complaint: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Mechanic’s solution: "Evidence removed."

Complaint: "DME unit volume unbelievably loud."
Mechanic’s solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Complaint: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Mechanic’s solution: "Live bugs on order."

Complaint: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Mechanic’s solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Complaint: "IFF inoperative."
Mechanic’s solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Complaint: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Mechanic’s solution: "That's what they're there for."

Complaint: "Number three engine missing."
Mechanic’s solution: "Engine found on right wing after a short search."

Redneck Vacation

Jim Bob and Bubba were shooting the breeze one day when Jim Bob told Bubba, "Ya know, I figger I'm dab near ready fer a 'nother vacation. Only this year I'm gwan do it a bit different. The last several years, I took your advice about where to go."

Three years ago, you told me to go to Hawaii. Wal, I went to Hawaii and Jolene got pregnant.

Then, two years ago, you said, "Go to the Bahamas," and dadburnit! Jolene got pregnant again.

Then, last year, you said, "Try Tahiti." Wal, shoot! She got herself pregnant last year too!

Bubba asked Jim Bob, "So, what you gwan do different this year?"

Jim Bob replied, "This year, she‘s goin’ with me!"

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Hero Humor

Okay. If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Yeah…They never mention that part to us, do they?

--Thanks to George Carlin

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My Memory is So Bad...

Memory problems are my curse. In fact, I have the worst memory ever. No matter who comes up to me, they just say…"I can’t believe that you don’t remember me!'

I answer, "Oh, Dad, I’m sorry!"

--Thanks to Ellen Degeneres

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Drunk DUI Face Fall Humor

This is definitely not what you want to do if you get pulled over for a DUI.

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Man's Best Friend

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

--Thanks to Groucho Marx

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Let's see...1/4 plus 1/3 equals...

Don’t worry about your kids getting fatter just because McDonalds is trying to get them to move from the quarter pounder to a new, black angus beef third-pounder.

It won’t work.

They’re American kids.

They don’t know that a third is bigger than a quarter.

--Thanks to Bill Maher.

Otter Heaven Video

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Hey! Who's Feeding Who?

I thought you were supposed to feed the birds, not vice versa. I guess we all need a little help from our friends.



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Lunch with a Panda

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, then orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, then shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a Panda"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads the following:

Panda:

A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

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Redneck Party Jokes

Joe Bob has been in the business world for 20+ years and is worn out from all of the stress. He quits his job and buys 40 acres and a cabin in the remote regions of Montana--as far as he can get from the rest of humanity. His only human contacts are the postman, who visits once a week, and when he stops at the local market for groceries about once a month. Other than that, his life is absolute peace and tranquility with no human interaction.

After six months of living in nearly total isolation, as he is finishing dinner one evening, someone knocks on his door. Upon opening it he is confronted with a large, bearded man.

"Name's Mike...your neighbor from five miles West of here. I’m having a party on Saturday and thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Joe Bob. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks."

"Thank you," says Mike. As he is leaving, he stops, turns and says to Joe Bob, "Gotta warn you. There's gonna be some drinkin' goin' on."

"Not a problem. After 20 years in the business world, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Mike stops and says, "More 'n' likely, there’s gonna be some fightin' too."

Joe Bob says, "Well, I know how to get along with people. I can take care of myself and I'll be there. Thanks again."

Again, Mike stops and says, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Joe Bob, "I've been all alone for six whole months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Mike stops in the door once again and says, "Whatever you want…just gonna be the two of us."

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Not in My Club You Don't!

I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

--Thanks to Groucho Marx

Have You Ever Been So Doggone Tired...

Sometimes you want to stay awake because you might miss something, but...



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Frisbeetarianism

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

--Thanks to George Carlin

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Road Trip Humor

While driving to California, I realize that nature is calling and spot one of those rest areas on the side of the road. Once in the men’s room, I find the first stall taken, so I head for the second stall. Just as I sit down, I hear a voice coming from the adjoining, first stall:

"Hi, how’s it going?"

Since I am not accustomed to striking up conversations with strangers in washrooms, I don't know how to respond. Finally I reply:

"Not bad."

Then I hear the voice ask:

"So, what are you doing?"

I find that an unusual question, but I reply:

"Well, I'm driving to California and..."

Then I hear the flustered voice interrupt, saying:

"Hey, I'll have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, some moron in the next stall keeps answering me."