Pilots vs Mechanics

This is one that I first heard about 15 years ago. I forgot about it and have seen it surface in different versions since then. The other versions list the Air Force and several different airlines, but the first time I heard it, Northwest Airlines mechanics and pilots were the crews involved. I thought I would resurrect it here:

Here are what some swear are copies of actual maintenance complaints submitted by Northwest Airlines pilots on planes they flew and the replies from the mechanics crews who were responsible for maintaining the airplanes:

Complaint: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Mechanic’s solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Complaint: "Test flight OK, except autopilot very rough."
Mechanic’s solution: "Autopilot not installed on this aircraft."

Complaint: "The autopilot doesn't."
Mechanic’s solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Complaint: "Something loose in cockpit."
Mechanic’s solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Complaint: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Mechanic’s solution: "Evidence removed."

Complaint: "DME unit volume unbelievably loud."
Mechanic’s solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Complaint: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Mechanic’s solution: "Live bugs on order."

Complaint: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Mechanic’s solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Complaint: "IFF inoperative."
Mechanic’s solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Complaint: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Mechanic’s solution: "That's what they're there for."

Complaint: "Number three engine missing."
Mechanic’s solution: "Engine found on right wing after a short search."