Paris Hilton Disinherited

Paris Hilton has reportedly been cut off from her inheritance by her billionaire grandfather according to ninemsn.com.au in Australia. Paris was supposedly to receive a $59 million inheritance from her grandfather, Conrad Hilton, the co-chairman of the Hilton Hotel chain.

The 79-year-old Hilton appears to be so fed up with how Paris has sullied the family name that he has also cut off his 10 other grandchildren too. He will instead put the family fortune into a charitable foundation.

Can't you just hear the rest of the family? "Thanks a lot Paris!" Won't she be the popular one at the next family reunion?

How could any grandfather be ashamed of a granddaughter who dresses like the photo to the left? What is there not to like about this look?

Nicole Richie, Paris' sidekick in their TV show "The Simple Life," was just sentenced to 96 hours in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. Richie is also three months pregnant.

Meanwhile, our favorite Parisian has put her Los Angeles home up for sale to the tune of $4.25 million according to thebosh.com. It seems that Paris wants to move to a bigger house in a gated community.

Why would a narcissist like Paris want to live where it is harder to be seen? Isn't that simply defeating the whole purpose of her existence?

All of the Parisites (Paris Hilton supporters) out there can take comfort from the report that Paris is working on her second singing album, even though the first was a bit of a flop.

Plus, her Internet sex video is being readied for its second release. This time it will have a jail house flavor.

Aah! Don't you just love America? Capitalism is everywhere.

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Lindsay Lohan Meets George Bush

Here are a couple more LIndsay Lohan gems and one about President Bush:

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for a DWI and felony possession of cocaine.

Your move Paris.

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Lindsay Lohan has said she didn't do it and proclaimed her innocence.

Finally! An oscar worthy performance.

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It has been a tough week for George Bush. He's facing Senate hearings, congressional investigations, a colonoscopy. It is just one probe after another.

- Thanks again to David Letterman

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Bill Maher knocks War, Britney Spears

Bill Maher gets special when he knocks the war, legalizing marijuana and Britney Spears.



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Lindsay Lohan Faces One Year Jail Term

Lindsay Lohan could face as much as one year in jail from her most recent middle of the night escapade in Los Angeles. Lohan is facing two DUIs, driving with a suspended license, leaving the scene of an accident, and felony possession of an illegal drug. She is in big trouble to say the least.

The video below includes a report on the possible jail sentences plus Rob Schneider's recent appearance in drag (as Lindsay Lohan) on the Leno show.



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Lindsay Lohan Arrested Again

Lindsey Lohan is at it again. The 21-year-old actress was arrested Monday night for driving under the influence and possession of cocaine.

The brat actress recently finished a 45 day stay in a rehabilitation unit for her addictions. She was arrested after chasing the mother of her former assistant through the streets of Los Angeles in her SUV.

Lohan has been arrested so frequently recently that it is difficult to keep track of her offenses. It is clear she is in major trouble with her additions to alcohol and drugs.

Lohan registered a blood alcohol level of 0.12 percent, which is considerably over the California limit of 0.08 percent.

It appears that Lohan will have difficulty staying out of jail after this recent offense, assuming, of course, that she does not kill herself or someone else in the meantime because of her reckless behavior.

It is hard to believe that someone who has so much going for her, can self-destruct so rapidly. If it were not so sad, it would be quite funny.

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Jail Break 2

It is another jail break caught on video. This inmate proves to be very clever in his escape, using ordinary every day material to aid in his getaway. This one is one of the cleverest.



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Humorous Quotes 3

Here are some more humorous quotes:

David Letterman: "Harry Potter got arrested on the subway for showing off his wand."

Amy Poehler - Saturday Night Live: "Barak Obama made an appearance in New Hampshire over the weekend. To which, President Bush replied, 'Did we catch him?'"

David Letterman: "Osama Bin Laden came out with an other video. It was full of insults, maniacal threats and rants...no wait a minute. That was Rosie's blog."

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More Irish Drinking Humor

Just after O’Hara punched in on the time clock at work, his foreman called him over, telling him he had a phone call in the front office.

O’Hara returned from the front office with a mournful expression on his face and his head was hanging low.

His foreman asked, “Was it bad news?”

“To be sure it was, Boss,” replied O‘Hara. “I just learned that my mother died earlier this morning.”

“Oh, that's just awful,” replied the foreman. “Do you want to take the rest of the day off?”

“No,” said O‘Hara. “I'll finish the day out.”

About an hour later, the foreman again told O’Hara that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time O’Hara returned looking twice as glum, and the foreman asked, “Not more bad news?”

“Lordie Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!”

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Monkey See, Monkey Stew

This is one overconfident monkey. If these tiger cubs have any luck, it is monkey see, monkey stew for dinner. It seems that anti-social behavior is not confined to the human race, because it appears to be alive and well in the animal kingdom as well.



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More Paris Hilton Road Construction Humor

One more celebrity at the side of the road-it seems to be pretty busy over there. This time it is Paris Hilton over there and she needs help. But, of course, we all knew that.



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Japanese Outhouse Prank

The Japanese have some serious issues with rights of privacy in this one. There is no way anyone could do this in the USA because they would be sued immediately; however, it appears that the individual has fewer rights in Japan.

This is not x-rated, but there is some partial nudity, so you have been warned. It is also a bit on the mean side, but many folks find this one hilarious.



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More Humorous Quotes

Here is a handful of humorous quotes:

Bill Maher: CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, "Oh my God, they've done it again!."

Chico Marx: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Homer Simpson: Just once, I wish someone would call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Jeff Foxworthy: Being a designated driver is not a desirable job. If you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

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Sherlock Holmes - It's Elementary My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After setting up their tent, they fall asleep. Hours later, Holmes suddenly wakes his faithful companion.

"Watson, look up at the sky. Tell me what do you see."

Watson answers, "I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" asks Holmes.

Watson considers the question momentarily and replies, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. By the clock, it is approximately a quarter past two. Theologically, it's evident that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. From a meteorologic standpoint, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Silent for a moment, Holmes soon replies. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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Redneck Penguins

These two must both be rednecks to get along so well. The slap happy one on the right appears to exhibit that classic anti-social personality that seems to say “Oh yeah. I am redneck woman and this is my roar.” This little woman is scary. Give this girl an opportunity, and she will slap you into the next century.

It appears that she has had lots of practice keeping her Bubba in line because her movements are so silky smooth. Of course, timing is everything when it comes to antics like this. Flap that flipper just a moment too soon, and this gag could backfire big time. Then it might easily be redneck woman in the drink rather than The Bubba himself.

Naturally, Bubba does not see a thing coming. Listen carefully and you can nearly hear him blindly shout, “stand aside woman! Here I come.” Or should we say, there he went? His demeanor announces his arrival. Oddly enough, I don’t hear anybody announcing his departure.

But that is just as well. After an entrance so dramatically embarrassing, one would think he would prefer to quietly slip away rather than to draw attention to himself deliberately.

The real question here is what is redneck woman’s motivation? You know that she is going to get it when she and Bubba get home. She must be deeply motivated to risk both life and limb by deliberately antagonizing The Bubba.

Perhaps it is a simple tale of another redneck woman in the picture because that appears to be life’s continuing story.

Redneck meets woman. Redneck gets woman. Redneck cheats on woman. Redneck woman gets even.

It is an eternal scene in life, and even Shakespeare was not able to improve on it.

Note: The penguins should be moving. If they are not, you are probably on a slower Internet connection. Click F5 on your keyboard to reload, and that should get our penguins moving for you.

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Feline Mother-in-law

As Tom and Mary go out for the evening, they put their cat out.

When their taxicab arrives and the couple exit the house, the cat sneaks back in.

As Tom returns inside the house to chase the cat back out, Mary is concerned about the taxi driver knowing that the house will be empty. So she explains to the driver, "My husband just went back inside to say goodbye to his mother-in-law."

After several minutes, an exhausted Tom climbs into the back of the taxi saying, "I am sorry I took so long, but the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!"

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Double Negative English Teacher

An English teacher was lecturing his class on the use of double negatives:

“In English,” he said, “a double negative will form a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative.”

A loud voice from the back of the room spoke up, “Yeah, right.”

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Vacation Video Bloopers

Here is a video of bloopers of folks while on vacation, with lots of stumbles, tumbles and assorted pratfalls. Some of the best ones are of the children and grandchildren who bump into whatever or get bumped into themselves.



No marine life was harmed during the making of this video.

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Prison Break Caught on Video

An actual prison break caught live on video! That big fella is more agile than he looks. And you have to love how the inmates help each other out. That last one looks a little lonesome after it is all over.

These giant pandas make it look like this is a rare occurrence, but, somehow, it feels like this might happen more often than you think.



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Paris has More Graffiti?

Hey! Wait just a minute. Is it possible? Do you think that all of the recent Paris Hilton publicity may be connected to her love of publicity?

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Japanese Baseball Video Humor

Aaah! The Japanese do it again. Leave it to the Japanese to come up with a baseball video like this. Never mind the language barrier. You will understand it just fine.



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Stop In for a Short One

Just stopped in for a short one? Here's an Irish tourist joke:

A Swiss tourist was vacationing in Dublin and needed directions. While outside McCafferty’s Pub, he stopped two Irish lads walking by and asked, “ntschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?”

The two lads looked at each other puzzled and only stared back at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?” he offered.

Again, the two lads just stared.

“Parlare Italiano?” But the two lads gave no response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” The Dublin lads once again remained silent.

The tourist walked away extremely disappointed that he had not been understood. One of the boys turned to the second and said, “Maybe we should learn a foreign language!”

“Why?” said the other youth. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!”

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Here's a David Letterman short one:

TOP TEN: Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Secretary.
#6. Wears inappropriately short skirts, no matter how many times you tell him not to.

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Irish Drinking Stories

Some of the best humor comes straight from Ireland, itself, and the subject will often involve a wee bit of drink:

O'Flaherty's Diagnosis

O'Flaherty was feeling a mite ill so he popped in to see Dr. O'Hara.

After examining O'Flaherty, Dr. O'Hara was puzzled.

"I am very sorry O'Flaherty, but I cannot diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink."

Replied O'Flaherty, "Don't worry about it Dr. O'Hara, I'll come back when you're sober."


Irish-American Drinking Story

An American walks into McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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