Irish Blessings and More Irish Drinking Tales

Here are a couple of Irish drinking stories followed by traditional Irish blessings:

France’s President, Nicolas Sarkozy was working in his office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" said a voice in a heavily accented brogue. "This is Paddy down at McCafferty’s Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing you up to inform you that we are officially declaring war on the French!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is very important news, indeed! Tell me, how large is your army?"

"As of this moment," said Paddy, after a bit of calculation, "there’s meself, me cousin Sean, the pub’s proprietor, one Seamus McCafferty Himself, and the pub’s entire darts team. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy replied, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to mobilize at a moment‘s notice."

"Oh, faith and begorrah!" said Paddy. "I’m afraid I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the very next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to enlist some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" asked Sarkozy.

"Well, we have a combine, two bulldozers, and O’Hara’s tractor."

Sarkozy amusedly replied, "Let me tell you about my equipment, Paddy. I have 4,000 tanks and over 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Plus, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "150,000! I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang up President Sarkozy once again the next day. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified young Jack McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Four Shamrocks Bar have joined up as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a moment, cleared his throat, then said, "Ah! It’s an air war you want. I must tell you, Paddy. I have 150 bombers and 250 fighter jets. Our military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missiles with a state of the art computer monitoring system. And at last count, I have increased my army to more than 200,000 of France‘s finest infantrymen!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" replied Paddy, "Let me ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy dialed up Sarkozy again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I regret to inform you that we had to call the war off."

"No!” said the President. “I am sorry to hear that. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is just no friggin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.”

And one about arthritis:

Muldoon stumbled his way out of a saloon smack in the middle of the afternoon and ran right into the arms of Father O‘Malley.

"Inebriated again, you are!" scoffed the priest. "Muldoon, ‘tis a shame on you, it ‘tis! When are you going to straighten out your life, may I ask?"

Muldoon looked directly into the good father‘s eyes and asked, "Father. What causes arthritis?"

"Arthritis! I'll tell you what causes it, I will! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling away your hard earned wages and carousing around with loose women who have lost their way. That’s what causes it. Now tell me, Muldoon. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred Muldoon. "Bishop O’Hara has it!"

*****

And Some Irish Blessings:

Don't mourn for me now
Don't mourn for me never
I'm going to do nothing
For ever and ever.

And Another:

May the Good Lord take a liking to you... but not too soon!

More Irish Humor...

Boeing 720 Gives Birth to Cessna 172

News of Note:

Dateline: Washington, D.C. The Washington Post reported today that a Boeing 720 has given birth to a Cessna 172 single prop aircraft. The proud papa is an Airbus 340, and this is the first successful mating in captivity of a Boeing with a French made Airbus according to the Post’s report.

Prior to this the Boeing has been far too shy to mate while in captivity, whereas the French Airbus will mate pretty much anywhere. Said French President Nicolas Sarkozy, “But, of course, it eez a French aircraft. What else would you expect?”

An unidentified source at Boeing was reported to have hinted that the Boeing company has begun to embrace the outlook that breeding new airplanes will prove far more cost effective than manufacturing them. The difficult part of the process will be rearing and training the young Cessna both to develop and behave like a Boeing.

“This process is still in its infancy, if you will pardon the pun,” said the source. “A great deal more study is needed to produce the type of offspring we desire.”

Last month a Russian made IL-78 Tanker gave birth to twins, while another tanker had triplets. Here is a photo of the tanker mother breast feeding her twin MIG-31s. Another photo of a an IL Tanker mother feeding her jet fighter triplets is below that.

Although prolific, the Russian tankers have proven to be less than reliable. The problem with the IL Tanker is that it will mate with just about anything, and the fathers of both the twins and the triplets are unknown.

An unidentified source at Boeing said that it is difficult to obtain a very high sales price for such mutt fighters. When the father is some unknown crazy Russian aircraft, there just is not much of a market for those type of planes.

There was even one case of an IL-78 that had hooked up with an Italian sports car. “We believe that the suitor was a lead footed Ferrari, but we put stop to that relationship in a hurry,” said a Russian spokesman.

“Imagine what the result of that mating might be,” said the spokesman. “The offspring would probably have to be sent directly to the scrap yard.”

“These tankers simply have to begin staying away from the type of machine that is a bad influence,” the source said.

We also show a photo of a Boeing and the Airbus just prior to the mating ritual. The photo depicts just how precarious aircraft mating can be.

An Airbus spokesperson is reported to have stated that any premature disarticulation could prove catastrophic for both aircraft. “An error of that nature at that altitude could render both airplanes sterile,” the spokesperson said.

“We certainly do not need an Airbus in our fleet that is incapable of procreation. Fatherhood is a trait the French people cherish highly. And that goes for our aircraft as well,” the spokesperson said.

The final photo is that of a French Airbus 300 being prepared for surgery to reverse a vasectomy, which was previously a common procedure for the Airbus. The French wanted to prevent unwanted little airbuses suddenly appearing without notice.

Now that parturition is becoming more common for these aircraft, reverse vasectomies are also increasingly popular.