It is time for more Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. Here are my latest:
Ballerina
A large obnoxious woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walks into McCafferty‘s Pub and eyes the patrons drinking at the bar. Raising her right arm and revealing a huge, hairy armpit, she points to all the people sitting on bar stools and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The whole bar is struck silent as each patron tries his best to ignore her. However, down at the end of the bar, old Colin Collins, drunk as could be, slams his money down on the bar bellowing, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
McCafferty, the bartender, pours the lady a pint of Guinness and she downs the entire drink immediately. Turning again to the pub’s patrons, she again points at all of them with a sweep of her immense arm, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
And again, old Colin slaps his money down upon the bar, saying: “Give the ballerina another drink!”
McCafferty approaches Colin asking “Colin, my old friend, it is your business if you want to buy this woman a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
Old Colin, in his drunken stupor, replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!”
*****
May you have the hindsight to know where you've beenthe foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.
*****
May we be alive at the same time next year.*****
Devotion to Your LoverTimothy O’Sullivan and Michael O’Connor were out hacking at the fairways one beautiful Spring day.
Just as Timothy was about to chip onto the 9th green, he spied a long funeral procession parading down the road adjacent to the golf course.
Timothy halted his swing, removed his cap, and bowed his head reverently in prayer.
Upon seeing his friend responding so fervently to the funeral procession Michael said, “Timmy, I am amazed at ye. That is one of the most remarkably touching things I have ever seen ye do. Ye are truly kind and a man of God, ye are.”
To which Timothy replied, “Well, ye know, it’s the least I can do. We were married 35 years, we were.”
*****
May you have warm words on a cold evening,a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
*****
A true Irishman won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast.*****
Modern Medicine
Old Thomas O'Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.
However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.
Said Dr. Flynn, "I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”
“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”
Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.
But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.
After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.
While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.
As he strode past a men's clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”
After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”
After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”
Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”
“It's my job,” replied the salesman.
Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?"
Thomas responded, “Why not?”
Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”
“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”
“It's my job,” said the salesman.
As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”
Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”
Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”
Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”
“It's my job,” responded the salesman.
Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”
Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”
As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”
This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”
But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.”
Old Thomas O'Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.
However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.
Said Dr. Flynn, "I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”
“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”
Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.
But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.
After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.
While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.
As he strode past a men's clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”
After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”
After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”
Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”
“It's my job,” replied the salesman.
Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?"
Thomas responded, “Why not?”
Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”
“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”
“It's my job,” said the salesman.
As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”
Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”
Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”
Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”
“It's my job,” responded the salesman.
Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”
Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”
As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”
This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”
But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.”
*****
An Irishman believes that to forgive is divine, and therefore doesn't exercise it himself.
*****
Here's to you, as good as you are.Here's to me as bad as I am.
As good as you are and as bad as I am,
I'm as good as you are, as bad as I am.
The video below is Celtic Woman singing "Over the Rainbow."
More Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings
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