She's a Godmother

I'm a godmother. That's a great thing to be...a godmother. My goddaughter calls me god for short...that's cute. I taught her that.

--Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres

More Ellen Degeneres Humor

How to get a Telemarketer never to call again

If you ever wondered how to stop telemarketers from bugging you, this method is sure-fire.

Redneck Humor Is Back!

You might be a redneck:

• If you see a sign that says say no to crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

You might be a redneck:

• If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate

You might be a redneck:

• If you go to the family reunion to meet women

Yep! It's thanks again to Jeff Foxworthy for his redneck gems.

More Redneck Humor...

Try Redneck Graffiti...

Try Redneck Video Humor...

Aging Gracefully

Here are some gems about growing up and growing older from the great Bill Cosby :

* Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

* When you become senile, you won't know it.

* My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.

More Celebrity Humor...

Let There Be Light

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

--Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres

More Ellen Degeneres Humor...

Another Reason for Deer to Avoid the Headlights

A Wisconsin judge just sentenced a man to a year in jail for having sex with a dead deer he found at the side of the road. The media decided not to release the man’s name. Instead they are calling him John Doe.

--Thanks to Jay Leno

More Jay Leno Humor...

Monkey See, Monkey See Monkey?

More Animal Humor...

More Animal Video Humor...

The Worm Song

The earth was wet with the dew of the dawn
As the worm scented air swept over the lawn
A big ol' worm came out of the ground
To see the world and to look around

And as he gazed at the azure sky
Another little worm came up nearby
Said he, with a wiggle, “You’re a cute little worm,
Let’s you and I go out for a squirm
I could easily fall in love with you
If you’ll condescend to a rendezvous.”

But the cute little worm just shook its head
And to the big ol' worm it said,
“No rendezvous between us two
Because I’m the other end of you.”

--By Prairie Home Companion

Disney Princess

Disney Studios announced that they will produce their first movie with a black princess. It’s nice to see that Michael Jackson is working again.

--Thanks to Jay Leno

Breathless Blonde

A young man was quite attracted to a striking, yet not too smart, blonde, but he couldn’t think of an opening line to use to break the ice. Finally he simply went up to her and blew in her ear.

The surprised blonde turned to him and said, “Gee, thanks for the refill.”

More Blonde Jokes...

Grandparents and Grandchildren

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

More Redneck Humor

Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
But Joe is yo half-brother."

So Suzie forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said "There's trouble still."

"You can't marry Will, my gal
and please don't tell yo mother,
Cause Will and Joe and several mo
I know is yo half-brother."

But mama knew and said "Honey chile,
Do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to pappy!"

More Redneck humor...

Michael Jackson and the Troops

Here's the latest on Michael Jackson. Did you hear that he was recently in Japan entertaining the troops. Of course, they were Cub Scout troops.

--Courtesy of Jay Leno

Redd Foxx Pearl of Wisdom

Quote from Redd Foxx:

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Saudi Road Skating

Perhaps a little too much sun can affect one's brain making you do some dumb things. It is a bit on the hot side over there in the Middle East, you know:



More Video Humor...

Party Time

No one political party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

Tell others about this post by clicking a link:

From David Letterman

David Letterman's thoughts on the daylight savings law requiring you to set your clocks ahead:

“You know, you lose an hour forever--an hour that you never get back. It’s like watching The View.”


Letterman about Spring Fever:

"It was so nice in New York today, that the rats at Taco Bell called in sick."

Psychic Lottery

Here is a quote from Jay Leno:

"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"

More Jay Leno humor...

Redneck Jokes

Jeff Foxworthy is the man when it comes to redneck jokes. Here are a few of his gems:

You might be a redneck if:

• You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You might be a redneck if:

• Your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.

You might be a redneck if:

• You ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

Sneezing Panda

If you thought your sneezes got a bit out of hand, check out what pandas have to endure.



More Animal Video Humor...

PMS

They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Wrong Way Herman

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Video War of the Stick Man

25 Things You Should Know by now

Found this at Desired Creations.

25 things you should have learned by the time you have reached middle age

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
    

Mars Rover

Do you remember the Mars Rover, the satellite we sent to Mars to explore the red planet? It’s still up there wandering around. Guess what it found.

Osama Bin Laden. He was up there hiding in a cave.

Now George Bush wants to invade Mars.

Copyright 2007. Seamus McCafferty. All rights reserved.

A Hunting We Will Go

The Taliban were reported to have used a suicide bomber to attempt to assassinate Vice President Cheney during his visit to Afghanistan. The Taliban denied the report saying it was merely a hunting accident.

Redneck Men's Room Sign

The following sign was posted in the men's room of a local drinking establishment (not McCafferty's Pub):

Holy Hotline

An intensely Catholic Irish-American couple was on vacation in Italy visiting the Vatican, when they thought, “why not try to get an audience with the Pope?” Upon their inquiry the Vatican’s representative apologized saying it just would not be possible given the pope’s busy schedule. Michael, the husband, persisted, saying that they were very active members of the church back in America and gave quite generously when the collection basket was passed.

The representative asked the couple to wait while he inquired about the possibility of an audience. He soon returned to Michael and his wife, Kathleen, and was all smiles. It seems that Michael and Kathleen were very strong supporters of the church, indeed, and his holiness had a recent cancellation in his very busy schedule. Would they please follow him?

As they were introduced to the pontiff, both Michael and Kathleen were awestruck by the ornate gildings of the pope’s office. There was even what appeared to be a solid gold telephone on the pope’s desk. After the necessary introductions and initial small talk Michael could not keep himself from asking about that gold telephone. Was is special?

“It is very special,” replied the pope. “That gold telephone is a direct hotline to God. I use that phone when I need divine guidance.”

Michael asked if it would be possible that he could use that phone to speak directly with God.

“Well, ordinarily,” said the pope, “that would not be possible. But since you are such strong supporters of the church, I could make an exception. However, the toll for one call is $5,000.”

Although Michael was intensely Catholic, he was also intensely frugal, and he politely declined the offer. “Perhaps on their next visit to the Vatican,” he said.

After their Vatican visit Michael and Kathleen stopped off for a short stay in Ireland just as any good Irish-American couple would. Upon arrival they made their way to County Cork, which was the home of both Michael and Kathleen’s ancestors, and they stopped at McCafferty’s Pub for a short one.

As the barkeep served up their pints, Michael spied a solid gold telephone hanging on the wall behind the bar. “Is that gold phone a direct hotline to God?” asked Michael.

“It is,” replied the barkeep. “Would you like to call the Lord God, Himself? The cost is only 25 cents.”

“25 cents!” shouted Michael. “We just came from the Vatican and the cost there is $5,000. How can you charge just 25 cents?”

“Because,” replied the barkeep. “Here, it’s a local call.”

Copyright 2007. Seamus McCafferty. All rights reserved.

First Mortgage

A pit bull was sitting around the dog house one day and decided that his tattered home needed a make over. “I have to get a home improvement loan to fix this place up,” he thought. “This place is going to the dogs.”

So he trotted down to his local mortgage company to inquire about a mortgage and was greeted by Patricia Whack, a brand new loan officer starting her first day on the job.

Patricia was a bit unnerved that her very first customer would be a dog--and a pit bull at that. However, she took it in stride and began taking the loan application.

The pit bull was also concerned that he might not get the loan because, after all, he was just a dog. So he decided to embellish things a bit by mentioning that his father was none other than Mick Jagger.

“Really?“ said Patricia, looking a bit incredulous. The dog also produced a small, porcelain pink elephant to use as additional collateral.

After taking the loan application, Patricia took the papers into her boss’s office to get the loan approved. Naturally, she was somewhat anxious to complete her first transaction as a loan officer, and she remembered the pink elephant the pit bull had given her. As her manager studied the pit bull’s loan application she took out the small trinket and said, “he also gave me this as collateral. What is it?”

Looking up, her boss replied, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Copyright 2007. Seamus McCafferty. All rights reserved.

Irish Viagra

A newlywed Irish lass visited her physician to inquire about reviving her new husband’s tarnished libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.

“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin!”

“Not to fret,” replied the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What’s an Irish Viagra, Doctor?”

“That’s where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee, He won’t even taste it,” replied the doctor. “Give it a try, and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to the medication’s progress.

The lass exclaimed, “Oh, faith, t’was horrid, just horrid, doctor!”

“Really” What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did just as you advised me to do and slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee. It took effect immediately, and he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband gave you wasn’t any good?”

“Oh, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T’was the best sex I’ve ever had! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!”

Try Irish Drinking humor