Three of My Favorite Jokes

The Internet is full of jokes, but, unfortunately, many of them are not very funny. At McCafferty's, we try to publish only jokes and stories that we truly find funny. Here are three of my favorite jokes. I laughed out loud when I first heard them, so the chances are very good that you will like them too.

A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!”

Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.

He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

*****

A woman gets on a bus carrying her baby in her arms. The bus driver takes one look and says to the woman: “Lady, that is the ugliest baby that I have ever seen.”

Enraged, the woman stomps to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a passenger seated next to her: “That driver just insulted me!”

The passenger says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

*****

This joke is in honor of all of the American soldiers fighting the war on terror:

A large group of Al Qaeda terrorists are traveling down an Iraqi road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One American soldier is better than ten Al Qaeda."

The Al Qaeda commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune. Immediately a gun-battle breaks out, continues for a few minutes, and then only silence prevails.

The voice once again calls out this time saying "One American soldier is better than one hundred Al Qaeda."

The Al Qaeda commander angrily sends 100 of his best killers over the dune and again a huge gun fight ensues.

After 10 minutes of battle, again one hears only silence.

The American soldier’s voice calls out this time "One American soldier is better than one thousand Al Qaeda."

By now the Al Qaeda commander is totally enraged, so he musters 1000 fierce fighters and orders them over to the other side of the sand dune. Ak47 fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire all ring out as a terrific battle is fought.

But, eventually, once again there is just silence.

Soon one badly wounded Al Qaeda fighter crawls back over the dune to his commander, gripping the commander’s coat with his blood drenched hand the terrorist tells his commander in his dying words...

“Don't send any more men. It's a trap. There are two of them.”

More Al Qaeda Humor...

Headless Redneck Businessman

This redneck has obviously lost his head, and he does not appear to be handling it all that well. Unfortunately, some folks’ personalities simply do not shine during a crisis.

“Hey mister! Have you seen my head anywhere around here? It was here just a minute ago. No, it‘s not in there.”

Mr. Businessman, did you know that it was Rudyard Kipling who said: “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you.”

Mister redneck obviously has not read Kipling because he has already lost his head, and, although there is no indication on where he is placing the blame, an educated guess says it is being placed on someone other than himself.

And…yes, he does appear to be rather affected by it all. Does the word frantic come to mind?

“Well, it just has to be here somewhere?”

Here‘s a thought. Let us try to be logical about this. Where were you when you last saw your head? Perhaps we can retrace your steps.

“I had it when I left home this morning. The Missus and I were having an argument. She is ready to have a baby, because it seems that her biological clock is ticking. I think that is what set it all off.”

Now we are getting somewhere. You say that the missus’ clock is ticking? That sheds a new light on the situation. Nary a man dead or alive was ever capable of keeping his head when the better half had a ticking clock. Like it or not, her hormones will take over the relationship, and the male has not a chance.

Your choice is simple, dear sir. Your mistake was to think that your headless existence was a result of a physical malady. The reality is that it is completely psychological. Your life as a family man is about to be changed forever by the tick-tock of your wife’s hormones. The longer that you fight that ticking, the more exasperating your miserable existence will be.

However, the cure is simple. You either succumb to your other half’s wishes or your head will be lost to you forever. No man can compete when female hormones are out of control. Agree to have the baby or face a future of headless frustration.

But it could be worse. You could be missing more essential parts of your anatomy.

But do not fret. That will come after the baby does.

More Redneck humor...

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