Saturday, June 9, 2007

Paris Hilton Better Off in Jail?

If you haven't heard by now, it's history. Paris Hilton is back in jail.

Talk about injustice! Can anyone possibly believe that our favorite Parisian deserves to be back in the cooler? Of course not! Here is a photo of Paris' estate in Bel-Air, California. Just look at that dump.

How could any judge possibly believe that living there for 40 days and 40 nights is anything but torture?

If you are late to the party, the LA County Sheriff had decided that being confined to this Bel-Air hell hole would be sufficient punishment for Paris Hilton's transgressions against society. And he was so right.

Can you imagine lying in bed in your second floor master bedroom and you suddenly have a yen for a bottle of Perrier? You would have to walk down an entire flight of stairs to the kitchen just to quench your thirst. What a shocking way to live!

All Parisites (Paris Hilton supporters) should understand that our favorite Parisian is so much better off residing in the county cooler. It is cruel and inhuman punishment to expect anyone to suffer through the indignities of living in Bel-Air.

Now, at least, Paris will have an on-site staff to cater to her every need, which is the way it should be. Paris is just too special to be forced into any lifestyle that does not include a staff to lock her cell door after her.

Actually, all of the to-do about Paris Hilton's latest exploits is an excellent boon to the nation's economy. Look at all of the employment she is creating. You have scores of reporters covering her every move. Look at all of the paparazzi gathered outside Paris' estate in the photo above. Without Paris these people would be out of work.

Paris has also created extra jobs at the David Letterman and Jay Leno shows. Both shows have been hiring additional comedy writers because the current staff simply cannot write jokes fast enough. They need more writers just to keep up with the demand for the jokes.

And people around the world are beginning to make fun of the Los Angeles justice system, which Jimmy Kimmel was quick to defend. Said Jimmy, "I don’t see any other city throwing Paris Hilton in jail."

Now that Paris is back in jail, we can return to making fun of how poorly she was doing while in the slammer. Here is a video of David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why Paris isn't doing so well in Prison:

10. Suffering from insomnia because she’s not used to sleeping in the same bed every night.

9. Too depressed to participate in prison riots

8. Desperate for intimacy, she made a boyfriend out of a stuffed laundry bag.

7. She's ballooned to 93 pounds.

6. Only time she said, "That's hot!" was during delousing.

5. Knitted a tea cozy from rat fur (sorry — that joke was left over from an old Martha Stewart list)

4. Only call she received was from Eddie Brill asking for her out cue.

3. Was overheard muttering something about voting for Kucinich.

2. Started a pen pal romance with Phil Spector.

1. At last night's conjugal she seemed distant.

More Paris Hilton Humor...

More David Letterman Humor...

More Jay Leno Humor...

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Anonymous said...

I would say that the screaming crying Paris rivals the "Why Me!" moaning of Nancy Kerrigan.

McCafferty Himself said...

Well, Chris, I can see why the judge confined Paris to the slammer. But if he thought that it would draw attention to the damage done by substance abusers in society, he was dead wrong.

Paris is the only one getting attention from this episode. Whatever work she does when she is released from jail, whether it is TV or music, she will have twice the audience she used to have.

He did her a favor. Hmmmm, 23 days in jail for another million or so fans. Sounds like pretty good publicity to me.