A Bevy of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is time for another blend of Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. I believe that we have a few here that may just warm the cockles of your heart.

Let us begin with a St. Paddy's Day toast:

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!

*****

May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband (or wife).

*****

O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon.

He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing.

The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”

“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"

Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

*****

To Ireland:

Here's to the land of the shamrock so green,
Here's to each lad and his darlin' colleen,
Here's to the ones we love dearest and most.
May God bless old Ireland, that's this Irishman's toast!

*****

To Luck:

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish...
You’re lucky enough!

*****

Mrs. Fogarty was sitting on a sofa during the wake of her departed husband, Fogarty, to whom she had been married for 46 years.

Mrs. McGraw, one of her close neighbors, was trying to console Mrs. Fogarty by asking her, “46 years of marriage is remarkable my dear. You and Fogarty, himself, must have been very happy to stay together so long.”

To which Mrs. Fogarty replied, “For twenty three years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world. Then we met.”

*****

To Friendship:

May the lilt of Irish laughter
lighten every load.
May the mist of Irish magic
shorten every road...
And may all your friends remember
all the favors you are owed!

*****

An Irish Curse:

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

*****

Old man Gallagher is lying on his deathbed after a vigorous life of 89 years. Gathered around him are his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, who are all saddened and teary-eyed at the nearing finale of Gallagher’s very long and productive life.

The weakened old man is in a deep coma, and old Doc O’Brien has said that the waiting should be over in less than twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, Gallagher opens his eyes, awakening from his coma, and remarks, "I must be in heaven already! I smell grandmother's potato cakes!"

"No, grandfather,” says young Sean, a grandson. “You are not in heaven yet. Grandmother is baking home made bread and potato cakes right now as we speak."

The dying Gallagher says, "Sean, could you please fulfill my last dying request. This will be the last time that I taste one of grandmother’s famously delicious potato cakes.”

“Would you please go down and get me just a small piece?" the old man asks with what is left of his rapidly declining breath.

Sean immediately dispatches young Michael, one of Gallagher’s great grandchildren, to fulfill the old man's last request.

After quite a long time, young Michael returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your great grandmother's delicious potato cakes, Michael?" the dying old man asks.

"I'm very sorry great grandfather,” young Michael sheepishly replies. “But she says it's for the funeral."

*****

Our video today is the Irish tune "Lassie," and is sung by the Irish Tenors. If you have not seen the Tenors perform, you are in for a treat.



More Irish Humor

Memorable Blonde Jokes and Video

It is a special blonde celebration day here at McCafferty's Pub. If you are blonde it is happy hour all day long for you. To honor the blondes and the joy they add to our world here at McCafferty's, the patrons have come up with a few more blonde jokes, stories and videos.

If you are blonde yourself, there is a possibility that you may need someone to explain the jokes to you, so make sure that your other half is somewhere about while you read them.

The Firing Squad

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are about to executed by a firing squad for perpetrating crimes against humanity. The brunette and the redhead are very beautiful, while the blonde is on the plain side and is slightly on the dumber side too.

The guards bring the brunette forward first, and the executioner recites his usual statement asking the brunette if she has any last requests.

Vanessa, the brunette replies, “No.”

Then the executioner shouts to his firing squad, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly Vanessa shouts out, "earthquake!"

Everyone is startled, surprised and is looking around for signs of an earthquake. Amidst all of the hubbub Vanessa, the brunette, manages to disappear and evade her date with destiny.

Naturally, the guards are very angry because they know they will be held accountable for letting the brunette escape. They next bring the redhead forward to face the firing squad, after which the executioner asks her if she has any last requests.

“no,” responds Nicole, the beautiful redhead.

Then the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Nicole suddenly screams loudly, "tornado!"

Once again, everyone including the guards is startled and looking skyward for signs of a tornado.

Amidst the hullabaloo, Nicole, the redhead, also manages to escape.

By this point, Ellen, the blonde, has figured out the secret to what the others did to escape. The guards angrily drag her in front of the firing squad.

The executioner then asks if Ellen has any last requests.

Ellen also replies, “No.”

So the executioner again shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . ."

At that moment Ellen, the blonde, suddenly shouts out, "Fire!"

*****

Police Lecture

A policeman is lecturing three blonde trainees who are studying to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it from view.

The policeman then asks the first blonde, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we will be able to catch him quickly because he only has one eye!"

The policeman, who is a little unnerved by her response, then says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Flustered by the first blonde’s ridiculous response, the policeman flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and then asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde is confident of her answer replying, "Ha! He would be easy to catch because he only has one ear! There can‘t be many suspects like that around."

The policeman is beginning to lose his patience with his students and responds somewhat angrily, "What's the matter with you two? Only one eye and one ear are showing because the photo is of his profile! Certainly you can come up with better answers than that!"

The officer instructor is extremely frustrated by now, but he shows the picture to the third blonde because he hopes she has more on the ball and the other two blondes. He asks in a slightly testy voice, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" Then he quickly adds, "now think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third blonde looks at the picture intently for a quite a while, then says, "Hmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is pleasantly surprised because even he doesn't really know if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's a very interesting answer. You ladies wait here for a few minutes while I check the suspect’s file."

Leaving the room the officer goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, then returns with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's true! The suspect does wear contact lenses. Good work young lady! How were you ever able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the third blonde replies. "He can't possibly wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."

*****

The Ventriloquist

While touring the night clubs performing one night stands a ventriloquist stopped one night to do a performance at a small town in Kansas. He began his usual routine with his dummy on his knee as he told blonde joke after blonde joke.

Suddenly a blonde in the audience stood up on her chair and started shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. Why do you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?”

She continued, “It's men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community. We’re unable to reach our full potential as a person because of your constant jokes. You and your kind perpetuate discrimination not only against blondes, but also against women in general. It’s a disgrace that is all done under the guise of humor!"

The ventriloquist was truly embarrassed and started to apologize.

But the blonde interrupted yelling “You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee."

*****

Our video presents an event where rugby and a beautiful blonde blend together harmoniously. How refreshing.

There is a language barrier in this video, but do not let that deter you. You will enjoy it no matter what language you speak.



Now isn't that remarkable. Our bikini clad blonde was featured as athletic, beautiful and intellectual all in one video. There is hope for blonde stereotypes yet.

More blonde humor

Alice Cooper, Richard Simmons Make it to the Super Bowl

These are two more Super Bowl ads that received a 96% favorable rating from the viewing audience, which made them two of the more popular ads shown during the big game. The first ad shows a business using carrier pigeons instead of FedEx to ship merchandise and is quite clever and very funny.

The second ad shows Alice Cooper and Richard Simmons, not a very likely combination, in a Bridgestone tire commercial. Simmons behaves at his usual level of maturity, which is slightly younger than a prepubescent 16-year-old.

His voice alone is hard to take, let alone his personality, but despite all of that, the ad comes off well anyway. Whoever created the ad presented Simmons as an annoyance, which is what he really is, making the ad that much better.



Whatever Simmons was paid for his work in the ad was too much. If I were driving the vehicle, not hitting Richard Simmons regardless of the tires involved would have been a major challenge. Ah, from my lips to God's ears.

More Super Bowl Ads

More Funny Super Bowl Ads with Justin Timberlake and Naomi Campbell

Pepsi came up with two terrific Super Bowl ads that are both clever and funny, although recommending the product they are touting in the first ad would be a challenge. The ad is pushing Diet Pepsi Max, which includes ginseng extract and an increased amount of caffeine, all of which is designed to keep you awake.

Basically they are selling uppers, which is not illegal, but is it ethical for Pepsi to advertise that its product gets you slightly high?

But then again, do most of us care? Nah! What the hey! Life is short. Drink Diet Pepsi Max and get high.

Diet Pepsi Max is featured in the first video.



The second video is also a Pepsi commercial and features Justin Timberlake. There are some very funny moments in this one.

I especially like the part where Justin's crotch is repeatedly bashed into the mail box post. Watch.



Naomi Campbell is the star of the third ad, and that alone makes it worth watching. The music is a take off on Michael Jackson's Thriller, which is somewhat of a surprise because Jackson is not exactly a welcome name in many US households lately.

The ad seems to work though, is very entertaining and was one of the higher rated ads aired during the Super Bowl. The cosmetic teeth job on the one lizard is especially good.



More Super Bowl Ads

Bud Light Fire Breather and Hank the Clydesdale

Some of the Super Bowl ads were awesome this year. Here is one of my favorites: the Bud Light fire breathing ad.



And of course what was possibly the most popular Super Bowl ad, Hank the Clydesdale.