Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Smile to Another Group of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

Tommy McGraw led a mangy group of Irish misfits that earned their living robbing, stealing and plundering other peoples’ treasures.

One night shortly after midnight the group broke into a bank after Michael, the group’s tech expert, disabled the security system.

Once they were inside the bank, the gang had expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash, baubles and other valuables. Instead, they were surprised to find hundreds of smaller safes lined up in rows all throughout the bank.

Tommy, Michael and Conan, the third member of the group, began the task of opening the huge number of safes. Conan cracked open the first safe, and the entire group of misfits gathered around as he swung open the safe’s door. Inside they found nothing but a bowl of vanilla pudding.

Tommy said, "Well, at least we'll get a bite to eat tonight."

Michael cracked the second safe, but it too contained nothing but pudding--just simple vanilla pudding.

The trio continued their safe cracking all night long until, finally, every one of the safes had been opened. But the gang found nothing of value. Not a pound, a diamond, a Euro nor even an ounce of gold.

Instead of jewels, cash or other valuables, each safe contained only covered bowls of pudding. And it was always vanilla pudding. Each time one of the gang opened a safe finding the disappointing bowl of pudding, he gulped it down quickly to get back at the bank for not storing the usual cash they were after.

Discouraged after a long night of plundering and eating pudding, the robbers quietly left the bank, each leaving with a rather queasy and uncomfortably full stomach.

The group gathered the next morning at Tommy’s place to discuss their misfortune. Conan sat on Tommy’s sofa and opened the morning newspaper to read the headlines.

To his surprise this is what he read: “Prominent Ireland Sperm Bank Robbed Last Night. All Sperm Taken.”

*****

Some Blessings and Proverbs:

Have you ever been to Ireland
With its rolling hills so green?
Sure ‘n it’s the fairest land
That ever has been seen
And those green hills of Ireland
May be very far away
But they’re close to every Irish heart
No matter what the day.

_______

May you have many blessings
And wherever your path may wind
May every day that’s coming
Be the bright and happy kind.

*****

Peadar O’Brien was a vicious convicted rapist and murderer who was sentenced to life in prison and was incarcerated in the infamous Kilmainham Gaol (prison) in Dublin in the early 20th century. After serving only three years of his sentence he managed to escape from the hideous dungeon type jail.

While he was on the run, Peadar broke into a house outside of Dublin and tied up a young couple that he found sleeping in their bedroom. He tied Thomas, the husband, to a large chair on one side of the bedroom and Mary, the wife, to the bedposts of the bed near the room's entry.

Both Mary and Thomas sensed Peader’s desperation and both were very afraid of him and what he might do to them.

Peadar got on the bed right on top of Mary, and from Thomas’ viewpoint it appeared Peadar was kissing her neck. Suddenly Peadar rose and left the room heading toward the bathroom.

Quickly Thomas dragged his chair across the room to his dear wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry.”

“Just cooperate with him and do whatever he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend that you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad.”

“Our lives depend upon it! We can survive this if we do exactly as he says. Be strong and I love you."

Mary spit the gag out of her mouth and said, "Thomas my love, I am so relieved to hear you say that. You are right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.”

“He thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong my love. I will love you no matter what he does to you."

*****
May you have these blessings…
Good health to make life enjoyable
Good fortune to make it bright
And lots of happiness always
With everything going just right.

*****

And where, pray tell, does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

*****

Prepare to astonished once again because we again have the pleasure of presenting one of Ireland's remarkable contributions to musical culture, Celtic Woman featuring Lisa Kelly singing
"The Voice" along with Mairead Nesbitt accompanying on the fiddle:



If only the good Lord had instilled some musical talent in me. Ah well, at least I can appreciate it vicariously.

More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs
More Celtic Woman

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2 comments:

Daisy said...

Hi McCafferty. I guess justice had its own way of being served in that first joke, and I suppose you could say for that second joke, if it is good for the goose it is good for the gander. Ha!

I really enjoyed the blessings and proverbs and the music was lovely. Those ladies are very talented. :)

McCafferty Himself said...

Daisy, Celtic Woman is one of my favorite (duh! I put them on my site often enough!).

Their music is calm and relaxing. It makes you feel good.