I do not post any Irish Drinking Stories that I personally do not find funny. So I hope that these stories, blessings and proverbs hit your funny bone the same as they do mine.
So you might understand the first story a little better, Garda is short for Garda Siochana na hEireann, which is Irish for "Peace Guard of Ireland" or "Guardians of the Peace of Ireland"--in short, a policeman.
Ol’ Murphy, the local Garda was always a disagreeable sort and today was no exception. He stopped Michael O’Connor, a local farmer, on a ridiculously minor traffic infraction and proceeded to berate poor O’Connor up one side and down the other. Murphy was truly taking an unfair advantage of his position as Policeman.
After Murphy finished his lecture, which O’Connor had patiently accepted, the constable began writing poor O’Connor up. While he was doing his writing, Murphy continually kept swatting at flies that circled around his head.
"The circle flies a botherin' ye, are they, Murphy?" said Michael.
"And why do ye call 'em circle flies, old man?" asked the policeman.
"Well, on the farm, we call 'em that 'cause we always find 'em flying round and round the horses' behinds," replied O’Connor.
"Are you darin’ te be callin' me a horse's arse?" growled the Garda, who was so big and tall that he towered over the likes of the farmer, O‘Connor.
"Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph, no!" the farmer loudly protested. "I would never even think of doin’ any such thing."
Thinking that he had intimidated O’Connor, Murphy returned to his writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though," said O’Connor.
May the grass grow long on the road to Hell for want of use.
I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love,
Some work to do,
A bit of o’ sun
A bit o’ cheer
And a guardian angel
The English and the Irish have been at odds with each other for generations, so the following story will come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the history of the two countries.
As two very proper English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner one day, Miss Molly O'Malley, a fine Irish lady, who was waiting for the trolley could not help overhearing.
"We are planning a simply lovely holiday in Devon this year," said the first Englishwoman in a haughty tone.
"Oh you mustn't do that," replied the second Englishwoman. "There are far too many Irish there in Devon! It would be simply awful."
"Oh! Dear me!" said the first English lady. "Well, where are you going to go?"
"Salisbury," replied the second woman in a knowing manner.
"But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish! That would be just terrible!" the first Englishwoman objected.
It was at this point that Miss Molly, the Irish lady, could bite her tongue no longer. "Why don't ye both go t' hell," she interjected. "There’ll be no Irish there!"
And your blessing be more
And nothing but happiness
Come through your door
A true Irishman is very good at weekends, but not very good at the middle of the week.
As he haltingly stepped first this way, then that, even a casual observer could see the state he was in. Two nuns who were approaching him noticed his condition immediately and were naturally quite nervous at the thought of passing near a man so drunk.
As they neared Fogarty, the two nuns split far apart with one walking wide to Fogarty's left and the other walking just as wide to his right.
After the nuns had passed him by, Fogarty spun around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"
Now, an Irish Drinking Toast:
Here's to me, and here's to you,
And here's to love and laughter.
I'll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.
May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!
More Irish Blessings
More Irish Proverbs
More Irish Drinking Stories